My Life as a Grown Up

Taking Christmas Sucks!!!

2011-12-16T10:26:00.000-05:00

So I am in the process of staying strong and keeping my word on not letting the boy have Christmas. I took all his video consoles, games, and toys back to the store. The only thing I kept were the books I bought him. In his stocking he will find socks and underwear. I've also informed the family of my decision and told them if they did buy him toys he would not be able to open or play with them until his behavior and grades improve. All of the fun Christmas activities I had planned he will have to sit on the sideline for. Even last night I made him go to bed early and we didn't sit and watch Charlie Brown Christmas together as a family. I don't think kids understand things like this hurt us too...not just them. I look forward to doing special things with my baby, but I can't reward bad behavior and since he chose to test my gangster, I have to give him a full lesson...smh

So today I called the school guidance counselor to talk about some additional interventions we can do in school to try and improve his behavior and grades. She was very helpful and responsive. She said she would talk to his teachers today and get some more information about the boy and then get back to me with some things we can start doing now to help his behavior. She also suggested getting him tested for ADHD, if he is diagnosed with that he would be able to get additional help in school like having the teacher make sure he writes down all his homework and getting a peer buddy to help him with class assignments. He would also be taken to smaller classrooms with less distractions for testing. All these things would help him bring his grades up. I feel a bit more comfortable with this information. So hopefully all this stuff can start being implemented when they return from winter break.

*long sigh* keep praying for me and my heathen child :-/

The boy is a heathen

2011-12-13T20:57:00.000-05:00

Ok so me and the boy have been having major issues in schools. He just can't seem to get himself together. Its only the second quarter and I swear I'm already on one teacher's speed dial. On his first report card he got 4 Ds...there are only 9 subjects. All his teachers say the same thing, he doesn't pay attention, can't focus, is always bothering other kids, and talks too damn much. In one class he's fighting all the time. It takes so long just to get him together that he doesn't get all of his instruction. The teachers offer no help, they just tell me that if he doesn't shape up he might stay back. But they say that would be a shame b/c they know he's capable of doing the work since in the few moments he will settle down he gets it.

His teacher called me today saying he was picking with another little boy in class. He gets in trouble for hitting a lot. He's not a "what you got on my 40 homie" type bully, he's that kid that if you don't pay attention to him he will pester you with poking or tapping you over and over again...yeah he's that kid that will eventually get beat up in school for being annoying as hell... Anyway, the teacher calls me to tell me what he did...then asks ME what else we can do to get him to focus. WTF!!! Are you really asking me? You are the teacher that deals with kids 10 months out of the year, are you telling me my kid is the first one that's had trouble focusing? Don't get me wrong, I know its not all on the teachers. But I called conferences with them, I pop in on the boy in school (of course whenever I pop in he's having a good day), I check his book back, help him with homework, make sure he gets it done, I ask the teachers what I can do at home, they all have my number so if he acts up in can immediately correct the problem, he gets punished, rewarded when warranted, I pay for him to go to tutoring twice a week, i put him in activities to help build his discipline and team work....I don't know what the hell else to do.

It sucks being told your kid is a sweet kid and very smart, but he's an asshole in school and that might cause him to stay back. Every year since the boy has started school has been a nightmare and I don't know what else to do. The school offers no help even though they are supposed to at least know more about what to do than I do. I'm so tired and I'm out of tricks. His teacher said he hasn't brought up his science grade so he's likely to get a D on his progress report...I told the boy that if he had ANY Ds on this progress report then Christmas was cancelled...so I have to stick to my guns and take back the Xbox 360 Kinect, Nintendo DS, new scooter, all the games, and the other stuff I got for him...But I wonder is that really going to help.

My gf things I should have him tested for ADHD and put on medication...because this is what she did for her child. Now I will admit since her little girl started taking mediation she's been doing better in school, but I just don't feel like I want to go that route. My peditrician is also very slow to even disgnose kids with ADHD always saying "well you know he's an 8 yo boy". I just feel like my kid can't be the first kid to have these issues, why is it that NOONE can offer any kind of guidance beyond what i'm already doing?

I'm terrified that he's going to eventually just give up on school all together and become some hoodlum kid that ends up in juvenile hall for a bunch of petty crimes b/c he can't get his act together. I'm trying really hard to be a good mom to him and give him all the things he needs, but stuff like this makes me rack my brain on what I'm doing wrong. He acts just like his dad (this is not a good thing) and takes no accountability for his actions. Everything is someone else's fault...And there is no real male figure around to be a positive role model for him. I just don't know what else to do and fear he's going to eventually contribute to the dismal black male statistics :-( none of this was in the "so you wanna have kids do ya?" handbook :'(

Work..

2011-12-12T16:10:00.000-05:00

So this morning when my alarm went off, the first thing that popped into my mind was "OMG how do people do this everyday for decades?" I think the real problem at the moment is I don't feel like I'm doing what I was meant to do. As a result I find it hard to stomach sometimes. I try not to actually admit this b/c I feel its wrong to, especially in a time where people would kill for my job. I'm exceedingly grateful for the opportunities I've been blessed with. Its just that sometimes I feel like I'm missing my calling. I know God gives everyone a talent and I'm pretty sure I'm not fully utilizing mine. But when you think about it there are millions of ppl out there doing jobs far worse than mine and they do it day after day, year after year, decade after decade...how does that work? How do you ever get used to it and not grow to hate life? I know I'm still relatively young so I guess I really need to take this time to figure out exactly what I should be doing with my life...Since I clearly missed the "marry and/or get pregnant by a super rich man and never have to work again" train...smdh

P.S. I 've started writing my book and its super hard!!! b/c I'm writing about my life going back to some of those places and feeling those feelings again is hard. Even with changing the details and such it's really emotionally hard. Then there is the added challenge of choosing the words that will adequately convey everything I want to the reader...smh. This will be a challenge, but at least its something I'm doing for me...

I forgot to tell you about Thanksgiving

2011-12-12T16:01:00.000-05:00

Ok, I told you guys I would update you on what happened with the boy's father on Thanksgiving, so here goes. Each year I take the boy over to his paternal grandmother's house so she can spend time with him. Although her son and I don't speak, I stay in communication with her so the boy can grow up knowing his family, this is something that's very important to me. So as usual I speak to her that morning and she expresses how happy she is to see the boy...

We get there in the afternoon and knock on the door...and who opens it...Him...the man that has not seen, called, or asked about his child pretty much all year. Now you would think when a man sees the child they haven't even laid eyes on in months he would smile, hug him, even acknowledge him...nope Him opened the door, saw it was us, said "hey, what's up" and walked away while we were still standing outside. So we go in and say hi to the grandmother who begins to gush over the boy and the girl. Him still does not acknowledge my child. So the boy starts talking about the football game that was on and making jokes about Dallas (Him is a Dallas fan and I of course have taught my child better than that). Him still barely gives my child a glimpse then walks out of the living room to go into the basement. The boy follows, clearly trying to get attention from the man. As they are down stairs I hear the boy say "all your stuff is here, so you live here now". When they came back up stairs Him again walked off not giving my child any attention, so the boy came back in the living room to talk to the grandmother. He tells her about this season playing football and how his team won the championship, his trophy, and shows her some pics on the camera. She is very excited, but tries to get the boy to go show his dad. At this point the boy is over his father and says "no I don't want to do that, mom you can show him". Of course I decline going to speak to Him as well b/c every sentence I could formulate to him started with "You dirty bastard". So the grandmother goes and shows the pics to which he simply responds "oh yeah, that's nice".

At this point I realize that I need to leave before I severely disrespect the grandmother's house. Luckily the boy felt the same way b/c he says "so mom, when are we going to go over nanny's house, I want to go there" (nanny is my mom). So we quickly left the house and the boy's father didn't even say goodbye to him...

Now I realize this happened weeks ago, but it still pisses me off. First of all, the grandmother knows that her son can't stand me. She could have at least given me a heads up that he was living there now! I understand that she always wants to think the best of her son and she felt that this would be a great way for him to see the boy, but a little warning would have been nice. Secondly, I really don't care how Him feels about me, that fact is we have a kid. If I can put ALL my issues aside and be in the same room as him the least he can do is try to act like he cares about our child. If you could see the dynamics of those two that day it would make you sick. I feel like he knows there is nothing he can do to me to hurt me, so he takes it out on the boy. That really pisses me off. When a parent chooses not to have anything to do with their child that hurts. And to see your child have to face that kind of rejection is the worst kind of pain. Now I don't like to throw around the word "hate" but that is what I genuinely feel towards this man and his actions toward my baby.

Hey hey Heeeeyyyy

2011-12-01T22:34:00.001-05:00

Ok, I realize I've been a bit of a heathen. Honestly things have been crazy. The whole month of October is like a huge blur, it was so busy and rushed, and busy, by the time I blinked it was November. So here is what I remember of October and November

The boy played on the football team. The first practice was literally his first time actually playing the game and by the end of the season he was starting. He plays defense and actually tackles pretty well. His team won the championship a couple weeks ago and he has a nice big trophy to show for it. He's super excited and so am I!
I threw my mom a bachelorette party that was super awesome. We had a slumber party consultant, a female stripper that came and showed us all some moves and two male strippers. My mom had an awesome time.
I became a slumber parties consultant "Slumber Parties by Ria" is now in full affect, so if you are in the Washington metro area and are interested in a fun girls night out or just want some info on products let me know
I went to St. Thomas for my mom's wedding and it was uber beautiful. My mom looked great, the beach was great. You totally should never ever stay at the Sugarbay Resort and spa (that will be in a separate blog) but the one thing they got right was my mom's wedding. The whole thing was amazing.
I've started potty training baby girl. I just got tired of buying pampers so I told her she just needs to get it together. I went and bought her some "big girl panties" and we've been using them ever since. She is doing well, there are still some accidents here and there, mostly when she's tired and starts to fall asleep, but it hasn't been terrible. I think she will be there completely by the end of the year (fingers crossed).
I'm still single

Well that's a pretty good summary of everything. I do need to tell you guys about how bad the Sugarbay resort was and Thanksgiving b/c you will not believe what my son's heathen family did, but I'm too tired to type it all right now. So I promise I will tell you tomorrow. I will try not to stay away so long again! Thank you for reading :)

My Baby is 2!

2011-09-26T22:14:00.000-04:00

So September is quite and awesome month. Not only did I turn the big 3-0, my lovable, huggable, oh so snuggable baby girl turned 2 today!!!! Its completely awesome. Her co-parent and I had a party for her this past Saturday (i've been a busy lady). We went to Color Me Mine in Silver Spring where you can pick out your own ceramics and decorate them. It was total awesomeness. I swear there were like 15 kids there with their respective parental units. My mom, dad, future step dad were there. Along with the co-parents mom, dad, step mom. Lots of friends and their tots. Everyone had a great time. I should state that Color Me Mine would be an awesome place to go on a date, a nice quiet afternoon, around the holidays. You get to create some really fun stuff, and for the less artistically inclined they have stencils and such so you pretty much can't go wrong there. Lots of memorable little trinkets. I designed a mug for hot chocolate this winter. Baby girl also designed a mini mug that I imagine she will also use for hot chocolate (since she will likely be able to stay up and enjoy it with me and the boy this winter). The boy didn't make a mug, but I know that he will want one... so we already have plans to go back.

Anyway, I can't believe my baby girl is 2. These past couple years went so fast. She is running around the house, saying more and more words each day. She understand everything and repeats everything. She's such a little lady even at such a young age, but she has a touch of sass as well. She's already into lip gloss and finger nail polish. She watches me put my make up on and tries to imitate me. I swear I love her more and more every time I look at her. The crazy thing about parenting is you literally love your kids more than anything, but they aren't even capable of understanding just how much that is until years later when they grow up and have kids of their own. Crazy right!

Anyway, my little lovebug is another year older pray that she doesn't embrace the terrible twos and drive me crazy!

Thoughts on turning 30

2011-09-26T22:01:00.000-04:00

Last week I reached a milestone...30 wonderful years here on this earth. Before you ask...no I don't feel any different. lol. It actually feels weird even saying "30" when people ask me how old I am. Don't get me wrong I'm super excited about it. I had my freakout when I turned 26, that was a hard year b/c I was officially in my "late 20s" which at the time seemed like looming wrinkles and Geritol. But I got past that and really started to enjoy getting older and my road to the big 3-0. So I wasn't sad or anything. In fact as I got closer to the turning point I felt wiser and sexier and very content with life. (I realize its only 30yo wisdom, which in the grand scheme of wisdom isn't that much, but compared to 20yo lack of wisdom its pretty awesome). This heir of confidence and self assurance has suited me quite well for the past year or so.

To celebrate my big day I had a super fun 80's baby party. Now I never throw parties for myself, even doing this was very different for me. My biggest anxiety was that no one would be there. But that was hardly the case. Lots of my friends came out in their best 80's get up, we jammed to Eric B and RaKim, Shabba Ranks, Prince. It was the bee's knees. It was the house party I never got to have or attend as a kid...lol. I think the best thing about that day and that whole weekend was the overwhelming sense of love I felt from my friends and family. Also that weekend my friends and family came out in droves to support the boy at his football game. Then came out later that night to help me celebrate. I got plenty of facebook birthday love, texts from people that cared enough to make their message a tad more personal, and phone calls from loved ones as well. I felt so full and happy. It just made me feel wonderful.

So I get to embark on a year of new experiences, challenges, adventures, and awesomeness. I can honestly say life is darn good...I can't complain one bit :)

I know i'm losing my mind

2011-09-11T19:54:00.000-04:00

So I thought that as the summer winded down life could calm down for me and I'd have a lot more time to just sit and relax...Well that hasn't been the case thus far. I'm still super busy with one thing or another taking any opportunity I can to just be still, but these moments are few and far between.

Today I had a moment that made me realize that maybe I have way too many things on my mind... I was washing dishes, the sink was filled with greasy dirty water and remnants of food. So after I finished up I reached over and turned on the garbage disposal to get the water out of the sink. I heard the disposal come on, but the water didn't move. "OH NO" I thought, "don't tell me the disposal is going to start acting up". So I pushed the little reset button hoping that would fix the problem and tried it again, still nothing. Now I'm getting upset. So I got get the little Allen wrench thing and I'm twisting and turning, not really knowing what I'm doing, but hoping that my aggressive tugging would fix the darn thing. I tried to turn it on again and still nothing. The sink was filled with nasty water and I'm thinking OMG this is so annoying, now I have to get my mothaluvin garbage disposal replaced. So in a futile effort to at least get some water out of the sink, I put on a glove so I could manually clear whatever food or crap was clogging the sink up. When I reached down into the sink I realized the whole time I still has the stopper in...That (not a broken garbage disposal) was keeping all the water in the sink.

So my plan of action for tonight is to get the babies in bed early, pour myself a glass of wine and watch True Blood before I pass out to sleep... I think its time for a vacation?

My babies!

2011-08-22T22:01:00.000-04:00

So today was the first day of school for the boy. He started 3rd grade!!!! I can't believe my little baby boy is that big. The morning started out great, he got up on time, got himself ready, and took the trash out. It was like someone possessed him. Anyway when I talked to him at the end of the day he said he had a great day. so that's awesome. He's such a big boy. I look at his face and remember when I used to hold him in my arms. I can't believe how fast he's grown. Adding to this "he's not my baby anymore" feeling is the fact that he's playing football now. His first game was this past Saturday. He looks adorable in his uniform. He plays defensive tackle, I just knew that he was going to get laid out the first time he got on the field, but he didn't. My baby can hold his own...I'm so proud of him. He's such an awesome little guy and i'm so happy to be his mom.

And my other stinker, baby girl just lights up my life. She is a super cutie, running into her terrible twos. Her birthday is next month and it doesn't seem like it has been two years already. She is so curious (i.e. into everything). I love how carefree she is, like its her world and there's nothing she can't conquer. She has already developed a passion for shoes...other ppls shoes that is. If you take them off around her its only a matter of time before she has stuck her little feet in them and is walking around. Its adorable. She's learning more words and phrases every day and has almost gotten down the pronunciation of all her abcs. She can now tell me she loves me back which melts my heart. Sometimes she comes into the room with me and puts her arm around me, and we just sit and watch TV. Her smile is the most amazing thing, and her eyes sparkle like precious jewels...I know I sound extra mushy right now, but she just makes me so happy.

My kids are so amazing. I've never experienced love in this capacity before and its the best thing to ever happen to me. Those little crumb-snatchers drive me insane, but all it takes is one look, hug, smile, laugh, and all the weight on my shoulders is gone. They make everything worth it.

I'm scared

2011-08-21T22:45:00.000-04:00

The truth of the matter is sometimes success can be scarier than failure. I would consider myself a successful person (in every area except love, that is a whole nother blog). But for the most part many of the things I've gone after I've accomplished. However, I always have this moment right before starting a new chapter where I get scared and begin to doubt myself. The thing about success is with every new level you achieve you raise the bar for yourself. Not just of what you expect from you, but of what everyone else expects of you. At least that's how I feel. I remember each new semester of grad school I would look at the syllabus and think "OMG there is no way I can do this, I'm not capable of comprehending this stuff". And I would have this internal turmoil about things for a few days, fearing that I wouldn't be good enough, that I would fail, and most important that ppl would find out about my failure. Luckily for me this has never been a paralyzing thing for me. I'm usually able to give myself a pep talk and keep it moving. I can't really talk things like this out with anyone b/c I have issues with showing my vulnerability.

I'm thinking about this even more now b/c I'm at a point where I want to embark on something new and different. I want to write a book about my life thus far. I want to tell my story from my perspective. However I'm terrified. There are so many things that no one knows, that I've never told any of my friends and certainly any of my family. There are family things that I know they would never want made public. I'm scared that 1) If I write this book it will damage my relationship with certain family members. Anyone that knows me knows that now for the first time EVER I'm in such a good place with all my family, its taken nearly 30 years to get here, but I'm now here and it feels so good to be in this place. If I tell the truth for tons of strangers to read at their leisure, what will that do to this wonderful situation I have now? 2) What if I do all the work and no one cares, no one likes my book or has any interest in it. Will I still have the satisfaction of knowing I did it, even if it turns out to be a flop? and 3) What if I do it and its awesome, lots of people read it and know the truth about my life, the things I've done, the things that have been done to me. What will people say? What will they think? I probably shouldn't care, but the truth is I would.

I'm scared to write the truth just as I see it and just as I feel it. I'm scared to take this risk, even though its something I've spoken about doing for years.

Thoughts on Praying...

2011-08-11T13:28:00.000-04:00

OK, so me and God are really cool. He knows me, understands me, i mean he did create me after all. But one thing that I'm always not so sure about is praying. I'm not even trying to be funny, I'm really serious. So here is the thing. When I pray its like I'm having a conversation with an older wiser friend. I thank him for all the good stuff that happened today, ask him all those questions like "what the heck is wrong with me that I keep doing xyz" or "I don't really know what your trying to tell me right now, but I'm going to roll with it b/c I trust you". I talk to God the same way I talk to you all...Is that a good thing or bad thing, IDK. I mean I figure I could try to jazz my prayers all up and make them prettier like the folks in church that start out with "oh holy faithful loving father, our manna from heaven, our great and morning star" but I feel like that would be a little disingenuous. So I talk to him like a friend. However, lately I don't know that my prayers have been getting through...or he's just telling me "hell no ria, I'm just not gonna do it" *shrug*.

Then, even if I do change up my prayers to be all nice and pretty, I'm still going to be thinking about talking to him the way I always do, so would my thoughts overshadow my prayers? For example the folks in church always say you are supposed to be really specific when you pray. So back in the "I'm going to pray for a good man" portion of my life I would be really specific about the type of guy I wanted (b/c that's what you are supposed to do right). So I included everything I wanted in him like spiritual, loves my kids, employed, has a big penis and uses it well, doesn't have mommy issues...but part of me wondered if it was wrong to ask God for big penis? But they say ask and ye shall receive right? So here is where it gets a bit more confusing. I thought it was in poor taste to ask for big penis so I stopped. When I was on the "man" portion of my prayer I skipped the part about big penis, but in my mind I was thinking "pls throw in big penis for good measure". So even though I didn't pray out loud about the penis God still heard it.

So here is the dilemma, I know you're supposed to pray and I'm cool with that...but he already knows what I'm thinking whether I pray it or not...and he already knows what he has planned for me...and if what I'm asking for doesn't match his plans I'm not going to get it anyway... so what is the point in praying for specific things? Not to say I wouldn't pray, they would just be more "you are awesome for doing xyz, i really appreciate that, pls keep on doing what you're doing and help me stay on track" type prayers. Does that make sense? And I'd probably keep talking to him in general, but I would cut out the prayer request portion of the whole thing. They offer a class on praying at my church...maybe i should take that so I can ask questions about this (I would leave out the praying for big penis story though, church folks are judgy)

I'm just not that girl anymore

2011-08-07T11:27:00.000-04:00

You know I often laugh at my girlfriends with fairytale syndrome. I think its crazy how they always think these crazy situations will end in happily ever after. But when you really think about it, the ability to have that much faith in love is actually kind of admirable. I have this one friend that is the complete hopeless romantic. She believes anything a guy tells her, but most of all she believes in what she feels when she's with a guy. The latter will be a bit more difficult to fully explain, but I'll try. She is the girl that feels something in the way a guy looks at her or how he holds her, the passion in his kiss, any little piece of effort he puts towards her. She believes in that and based on that continues to give her all in situations that I think are just crazy. Now this friend is still single so I can't say that her method is working, but I do admirer her for being able to put herself all the way out there and let the chips fall where they may. She's not afraid to tell a guy how much she's really feeling them or even to tell them she loves them. She's so open and honest, almost stupidly so with her feelings.

Me, I'm just not that girl. My heart is protected better than Fort Knox at the moment. I don't tell nigs how I feel about them. Actually when I think about the guys I've met over the past year or so I kinda treat them all like their insignificant. I mean I hoe check every once in a while to let them know I haven't forgotten about them, but outside of that there's nothing. Now maybe this is b/c i just haven't been that into any of the guys I've met in the last year or so...or maybe its b/c I don't know how to do this heart on my sleeve thing anymore. There is actually someone that I do really care for at the moment, someone I would like to explore things with...but I don't even know where to start with him. I don't know how to tell or show him I want him...I don't do emotions or feelings well anymore. I used to be good at it, but I'm just not. I don't know if I trust his kiss, or touch, or the things he says to me. I don't even know where to begin with this. I've gotten so good at being closed off that I think forgot how to open back up again... #lovesucks

What about the other chick

2011-08-04T21:23:00.000-04:00

Now when I say the "other chick" I'm not referring to a jump off or partner in cheating. I'm talking about those women who fall into situations with men that are still attached (at least at the heart) to another woman. These women who meet men that they believe to be on the same page as they are and open to the same things. The women that enter into these situations believing that there could really be a future with the person. All the while the guy is still in love with, hung up on, or maybe even sleeping with his ex girlfriend.

Surely the situation for these women is pretty crappy. I mean they invest time, effort, and emotion into these men, all in hopes of that man becoming their person. But usually what happens is the ex will pop up and screw the dudes head all up. They will run into each other and end up sleeping together and screw the dudes head all up. Or they will call out of the blue and say "hey we should give this another try" and again screw the dues head all up. In the mean time this other chick's feelings hang in the balance. Typically she did not realize she was the rebound girl or the space filler. She thought she was the one he wanted.

When its all said and done the guy almost always goes back to the ex (although it typically still doesn't work out) and the other chick is left hurt and alone. In addition to breaking up she has to contend with the fact that he chose another woman over her. Women have egos too...most of us think we're pretty awesome (and many of us are). So for a guy to have gotten #alladis only to have him leave it behind for something that was bad, trifling, or just plain crazy is hurtful and mind boggling. I should note that usually these guys have told the other chick about how crazy or jealous or inconsiderate or mean or whatever this ex was...but they still go back to her.

I swear It would be a lot easier if men came with warning labels just like drugs did. "Warning this guy will seem great, but he's still head over heels in love with his ex and will leave you at just the whiff of her perfume." "Warning this guy will have the most amazing penis you've ever had, but he is a dirty dog that lays it low and spreads it wide." "Warning this guy looks good on paper but is emotionally unavailable." "Warning, this guy claims to live with his mamma b/c she's sick and he's helping her out, but the truth is he has no job and can't afford to live anywhere else and his credit is super bad." "Warning this guy will care about making moves in his career more than he cares about making moves with you. Look out for always coming second." "Warning: may cause reduction in your bank account, misc accounts opened up on your credit, phone calls from random women claiming to have his child and needing money for milk and diapers." This would make life so much easier for women if we just knew all this stuff up front instead of being hit with it after we already like a person.

A super big S/O to all the "other women" that happened to come across a guy that wasn't ready or deserving of all you had to offer. It wasn't you, you are awesome, it was all them. They will call you again in a few months when they've broken up with their girlfriend AGAIN and realize how awesome you are and miss the good thing they gave up for the jacked up thing they couldn't let go of... Don't believe the hype though...

The Mista

2011-08-04T20:49:00.000-04:00

So I saw the Mista the other night. He came by to see me before he left to go back to school. Now I know for a fact he is blog stalking waiting to see what I post about him...assuming I will have tons of flattering things to say and that's partially true.

To be honest seeing him kinda made me feel a number of things. It was great to see him...he looks pretty much the same, he still has a bit of the "arrogant asshole" lurking around, but its still kinda sexy just as it was before. He even still cuts his beard and mustache the same...lol. He smelled good...And he looked like a lawyer. The nice suit, decent shoes, really nice watch and punching away on his phone. All he needed was a briefcase, which he may have had in the car.

I'll admit I was somewhat frustrated with the visit at first. For months Mista has been talking about how he was coming home this summer and he wanted to see me...let my men know I will be busy...blah blah blah. So before his arrival part of me didn't expect to see him at all and another part of me hoped that he would make some time for me in his busy schedule. I wanted to see if I would be a priority at all while he was here. But when I got the text message the other day saying "i leave Saturday, but I want to see you" I was a bit disappointed. He did manage to squeeze me in after work and before dinner plans. I got a whole half hour or so with him...*shrug*

Although a short amount of time, talking to him was nice. The experience did drudge up old memories of us laughing, him playing with the boy, some of the most amazing brain sex ever, and some good real sex too. A small part of me wanted to straddle him on the couch and give him the pocket for old times sake, but that's probably b/c I am super horny these days.

As usual the Mista talks about the two of us being together, but I still don't know if I believe him. I mean We broke up and he changed jobs, then moved out of the state. I understand he was advancing his education and career, but its been like 4 years...I'm sure he's visited plenty of times in that 4 years, but this is the first time he came to see me. He's been here for a month and all he had was 30 minutes for me. I get it, he's busy, he has stuff, he's making moves. And I'm super proud of him for all of that. But actions always speak louder than words. so I feel like I know where I stand with him. I'll admit I still love the mista though he's a great guy.

The one that got away

2011-07-27T22:30:00.000-04:00

I have seen a few questions on facebook and other media outlets on "the one that got away". "Do you ever think about the one that got away" or "Do you imagine what your life would be like if you didn't let the one that got away get away"...ok that second one was an exaggeration, but you know what I mean. The truth is I can't think of any nigs in my past that I feel "got away". All the guys in my past really did need to get the hell away from me. Not to say they were all terrible guys, but they were certainly terrible for me...and in a few cases they were in fact really terrible guys.

The inability to to think of one really decent guy from my past does makes me call into question my taste in men. Is it strange that I don't have a one that got away? Thus far in my life I have had...I'll say 3 major relationships and 2 of those with ppl I was deeply in love with. I've had other minor relationships with really nice and some really not so nice folks, but I never feel like I missed out on some amazing thing with any of them.

The only one that even comes close to being a "he got away" situation was my last major relationship with the mista. I can honestly say that he is the only guy that has ever been able to get me to open up completely and we really had a decent friendship and support for one another. But he could really be an arrogant asshole and when we argued it was war. The relationship had really high points and then pretty low points. So naturally I miss the high points and learned from the low points. I miss him as a person, but honestly if we had stayed together I imagine we would still go to war on regular bases and since we both have lethal tongues one of us would have said something unforgivable by now. Mista and I still keep in touch though and he claims when he finishes law school we will get married *shrug*.

But outside of Mista I can't think of one guy that even makes me think twice about them. I have a past full of liars, immature, lying, insecure, untruthful, not ready for commitment, jacked up heathens (yes, I realize I used a few synonyms). I won't even get into how I attract TONS of men that either have girlfriends or women that they don't call girlfriends but the chick doesn't know that or married guys that just want to "do lunch" sometime. So my conclusion is, for some strange reason I attract jacked up men...I feel like I have a sign on my forehead, only visible to men that says "if your unavailable and/or crazy, please come talk to me right now" smdh

#Thankyouforlistening

Thoughts on being horny

2011-07-06T21:49:00.000-04:00

Soooo... since I've been on the relationship track I've been trying to keep the hot pocket in check. I've never ever been a fan of misc penis or casual sex, they just aren't my thing. However, its been 2 and a half years since I've had a relationship (hahaha you thought I was going to say since I've had sex). But in this two and a half years I can probably count on my hand (probably one hand) how many times I've had sex. This is ok though b/c I have a ridiculous sexual appetite, so I prefer to be sexually active in relationships and just lock things down when I'm not...but this crap is killing me.

Now I already think about sex every day, but now if I see someone sexy, or someone that smells good, or has a nice body I think all kinds of inappropriate thoughts. Its horrible. Of course I could always find some random penis to satisfy a temporary need, but that's not what I want. I want passionate relationship sex. The kind of sex where you've been texting each other all day little teasing messages, so you hurry home and get all sexy waiting for him to come over...then when he gets there you are so caught up you barely manage to close the front door and get it in right there in the foyer...then when that's done you finally make it up to the bedroom and go for round 2. After, you hold each other (well I don't really like to be held after sex b/c I'm usually hot, but we can lay really close to each other and talk) and go to sleep...then wake up in the morning and get it in one last time before you have to get up and start your day. Now you can't do that with misc penis. And relationship sex is always much hotter and sexier than casual sex.

I'd really like for this whole relationship track thing to produce some results soon b/c I'm super horny (oh yeah and I do want all the other benefits of the relationship too...lol its just I have sex on the brain right now). And I'm really trying not to call up anyone on my POR (penis on reserve) list. #thatisall Thank you for listening to my rant

Girlfriends can jack your relationship up...

2011-06-20T10:31:00.002-04:00

I love my girlfriends. They are awesome and they help me through many a situation. I don’t know what life would be like without them... But I have come to realize that most women know absolutely NOTHING about men. And most women will steer you in the absolute WRONG direction when it comes to men, if you let them.

Now I realize that by making this statement I’m kinda talking about myself too, but I am always the first to say I know nothing at all about men and at this point in life I’ve stopped trying to understand or figure them out. When it comes to my girlfriends and their guys I just try to be objective and focus on what the girlfriend can/should do as opposed to trying to make sense of her man.

Anyway, the reason I make this statement is b/c when it comes to men, women either are living with fairytale syndrome, bitter b!tch syndrome, or bipolar relationship disorder. Allow me to explain further.

Fairytale Syndrome (FS): There are many women today that suffer from FS. It’s an aggressive and contagious condition. Many woman who have FS, don’t even realize they are suffering from it and unknowingly pass it on to unsuspecting girlfriends. FS is when women believe that relationships will end in some beautiful fairytale ending. For example, even though he cheated on you for 6 years with 3 of your friends, he may one day come around and decide it is you he loves more than anyone else. They know this b/c the same thing happened to their sister’s, best friend’s, cousin. And now this alleged woman and her reformed cheater boyfriend are now married with 3 kids and a dog living in their dream house and they even found a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow to boot. They use stories like this to encourage their girlfriends to stay with a guy that only shows them mild interest. They use this to make women think that the guy their screwing may come around and want to be their actual boyfriend (even though he’s been screwing you for over a year and has never even taken you out on a date). They fill your head with so much Tyler Perry esq hope and optimism that you often end up making a fool of yourself and still ending up hurt in the long run. But when this happens the girlfriends with FS simply say “he just wasn’t the one, the right guy is going to come along and sweep you off your feet” (SN: most guys do in fact want to get you off your feet, but more in a sexual way than a dream come true romantic way, not that I know anything about men, I’m just saying). Girlfriends with FS are likely to go crazy the moment they hear you got a new guys phone number. Before there is even a first date they will hit you with questions from how old he is to how many children he wants and ask if he’s on FB so they can look at his pic and speculate about how cute your kids will be. All b/c they are in desperate need of someone they actually know to have one of these fairytale relationships to keep their hopes up so they don’t develop bitter b!tch syndrome (explained below).

Bitter B!tch Syndrome (BBS): We all have this one girlfriend with BBS. That has been through tragic heartbreak so many times she doesn’t even know what a good man smells like. This girlfriend will shit on every man you ever bring around. She is drowned in bitterness and believes that every relationship will end just like hers. If your man buys you flowers just b/c, this friend will say “oh that’s sweet…unless he’s buying you flowers b/c he’s guilty. I mean think about it he never bought you flowers before and now all of a sudden he just wants to have stuff sent to your job? I’m not saying he’s cheating, I’m just saying”. This is the girlfriend you can NEVER tell you had an argument b/c this girlfriend will then start bring up events that happened in the past that have NOTHING to do with the current argument and making completely asinine ties the present issues. You in your angry and emotional state will have a weakened reasoning system and these things will make sense to you. Next thing you know it will seem like your man has a pattern of being a trifling negro. What started as “he always forgets to put the toilet seat back down” will end in “he doesn’t appreciate and respect my feelings, probably b/c he’s cheating with that temp at his job that was eyeballing him that day I came to visit him for lunch a couple weeks ago. That’s why he didn’t invite me to that cookout at his mama’s house 3 months ago, he was probably there with that temp b!tch”. The poor unsuspecting man will be completely caught off guard with the argument b/c in his mind everything was perfect this morning and he even put the seat down after he took his morning piss…Now girlfriends with BBS may be really good friends in other areas, you just have to keep them a very safe distance from your relationship. And if you ever happen to talk to them about your boyfriend, follow up that call with a call to one of your friends with FS. This should counteract whatever poison has been put into your mind about your man.

Finally there is the girlfriend with Bipolar Relationship Disorder (BRD): This girlfriend’s opinion of men changes depending on her current relationship status. If she is happy in a relationship then she begins to take on the characteristics of FS. She encourages you to be open minded and call that dude with the crooked teeth b/c he may be a really nice guy. Or not to give up on the dude that only calls you during booty call hours b/c maybe he just gets in late from work, but he still really wants to spend time with you. These women are simply operating in new relationship euphoria which only last until her first argument with the new boo. The second this friend’s relationship status changes to single she will want you to be single. She will be upset you can’t go to the club b/c you are spending time with your man. She will hate that when she calls to vent about yet another failed relationship, your man calls on the other line and you take too long to click back over. When you tell her about the sweet romantic thing your man did for you she will give you a half smile and say “oh that’s nice” before changing the subject back to her. The good thing is the second this friend has a reasonable decent first date with a guy she will stop being a b!tch. The bad part is, she is likely crazy so she will always have drama with men. This is another one that you keep a safe distance from your relationship b/c she will have you all jacked up in the game.

Now most intelligent women do have some good sane girlfriends that offer them sound and objective advice about men. They can tell you when you are justified in being upset about something or when you are straight tripping and need to apologize to your man asap. It is important, very important to know which girlfriend is which and be careful who you are sharing the details of your relationship with. Of course in most cases, the first person you should talk to about your relationship is your man. No one understands them and their actions better than they do. Granted you may still find them strange and unstable, but you can learn to navigate through it enough to have a successful relationship (or at least that’s what I think…lets not forget I am single and know NOTHING at all about men).

Thoughts on death...

2011-06-20T10:29:00.000-04:00

So it’s been a while since I’ve spoken to you all. Life has been interesting the past few weeks. To start with my aunt died. Her funeral was last Monday. It was kinda crazy b/c she just passed out on the way to her car one morning. Hours later they said she was brain dead. After the fact we found out that she had actually been acting strange the week prior and the night before her daughter said she was slurring her speech, but she refused to go to the ER. Although she was brain dead her family decided to keep her on life support hoping for a miracle. So she didn’t actually die completely until a few days later (if that makes sense). It was pretty sad and shocking. One b/c she was one of those aunts I never really spent enough time with and two it was so sudden. But no matter how tragic I still believe everything that happens is apart of a larger plan. So she is in a better place now.

I also found out last week that another aunt of mine that lives in Alabama died last week. I hadn’t seen this aunt in years. She was always kinda crazy (just like the rest of my family). I didn’t find out until Thursday night and her funeral was that weekend so of course I couldn’t make it down. So that’s two aunts in a week. They say death comes in 3s though…I’m hoping that’s just a silly superstition b/c I really don’t want to deal with the loss of another person I love. That would not be sexy at all.

BTW just so you know if I happen to die some untimely death I so do not want a funeral. I’ve already told my parents to either donate as much of my organs and body parts to other ppl (I’m talking face, arms, retina, all internal organs, whatever) or donate my body to science and just burn what’s left. I don’t want a casket, I don’t want a headstone. I don’t even want my ashes sitting on anyone’s mantel. I want a nice memorial ceremony where they find my cutest picture and have it blown up; I don’t want folks wearing black since I’ve always preferred colors and no breaking down. I hate funerals I hate seeing the people that I love looking all pasty and frozen in a casket. There is just something so creepy and morbid about that. I want ppl to get together, laugh and all the silly things I’ve done in my life and remember all the great things. I mean I would expect ppl to be sad of course (I mean just the thought of losing all this awesomeness is saddening) I just don’t want to go out like that. Lol.

My big strange dysfunctional family...or an even better title: This is why i'm so crazy

2011-05-30T00:58:00.002-04:00

So I go through phases of wanting to get to know my family. But sometimes its so odd and cumbersome that I don't feel like putting forth all the necessary effort. But today while I was talking with my mom and aunt I got the desire to once again try and meet my family...

So I was going to give a break down of how jacked up my family is, but as I was talking it through in my head I think it would be totally confusing. But I will try to help you understand what I mean by "wanting to get to know my family.

Lets start with my mom's side. My mother and aunt were given up by my grandmother when they were 4 and 3 respectively. My grandmother was (and as I understand it still is) crazy. She had another daughter in Alabama that was put into foster care and eventually adopted. My grandmother eventually married and moved to Mass where she had 3 more kids that she kept and raised with her husband. Outside of the one aunt that was given up with my mom, I don't know any of these people at all. Apparently my grandfather's name is Thomas Harding, but I know nothing else about him. I believe my mom has spoken to my grandmother but all she will say is that she's "crazy".

On my father's side my grandmother had 6 kids who I started out growing up with, but my mother became estranged from them after my father died so I was kept away from them the majority of my childhood. We began to reconnect after I graduated high school. My grandfather on that side left my grandmother and married a woman from his country (he's Guyanese) and had some kids her, then he left hear and married another woman who he had a couple kids with. I know none of these people. I had actually gotten to the point where I was planning to meet my grandfather. My aunt told him about me and that I wanted to meet him (yes he was that trifling of a nig that he didn't even know his son had a child who had now had children of her own). From what I understand he was excited to hear about me and his first great grand kids. But he died before I had the chance to see him. I went to the funeral and it was like I didn't exist. I went with my aunts (his daughters) the one wife wouldn't acknowledge us. I wasn't in the program, no one knew or wanted to know who I was. The other wife at least let me sit with the family during the service and at the repass. But it really was like going to a strangers funeral (you can read more about all that mess here). Its also sad that the only memory I have of my grandfather is of him laying in a casket.

I realize I've spent a lot of time talking about these nigs I don't know, but this interest in knowing them is not at all an effort to create the family I never had or anything. I was blessed to have family growing up. I have the family of my grandmother (the woman that raised my mom and aunt as her own), I have my pops family (my step dad). Then I was extra blessed to have godparents (whom I called grandma and grandad) that totally took me into their family. And they all treat me like just me. Not step this or half that or adopted whatever. Just me. So I grew up with lots of love and I'm so thankful for that. But its an odd feeling to have these people that are a part of me, but have never ever been apart of me. I remember at my grandmother's funeral (the one that raised my mom) lots of the family from Alabama came up and everyone kept telling me how I look just like Ella Mae a woman who I only knew as a name in the baby book my mom kept for me. I just want to "know", in the very basic and general sense of the word, these people and maybe have a face to put with them. That is my only goal, if I get more than that AWESOME, if I don't that's cool too. But I will at least be able to say I made an effort.

Dating has evolved...but it seems I have not

2011-05-24T11:11:00.001-04:00

Ok now, I realize I'm all independent and such. I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan...all that good crap. But the truth is, when it comes to dating and relationships I totally want a traditional role. I enjoy cooking dinner, I enjoy when my man makes decisions, I enjoy taking care of my man. Those things make me happy and comfortable. I especially enjoy being courted by a man, being asked out on a date, being taken out on that date, and being called the next day to say "i had a great time, lets go out again". Things like this let me know that the person is actually interested in me...and I can respond accordingly. But, it seems that these days, at least with the folks I'm meeting, normal courtship is not happening. Now it could very well I'm just attracting heathens (this wouldn't be a new thing). But guys these days may not call, but hit me up on facebook all the time. We may not have an actual conversation, but because he comments on almost all my status updates that is his way of showing that he's interested. I may get a "Good morning beautiful" text message every morning, but that's it. I even have a sexy friend that constantly drops little messages all over facebook alluding to or flat out putting it out there that we "know" each other (in the biblical sense)...idk if he likes me or if he just trying to mark his territory. What the feck am I supposed to do with that? These things in my mind translate to "I'm not interested enough to really pursue you" which causes me to back off and focus my attention elsewhere.

Now don't get me wrong, I love all forms of social media. I'm on fb, clearly i blog, I tweet, and I appreciate it when guys follow, mention, and inbox me, whatever. But when it comes to actually getting to know more about me as a person I don't think these channels are enough. I mean texting seriously...if you read my blog often you already know I like words, so there isn't any "getting to know ya" going on in 140 characters *point blank period*. If dude text me "hey how are you doing" I'm not going to say "well I'm doing ok even though this bastard totally tried to run me off the road this morning And I had both the kids in the car, then when I rode past him he tried to keep his head forward and not look over at me b/c he knew he was dead wrong. AND if I didn't have the kids with me I swear I would have pulled up next to him and lit his arse up". I can't say that in a text. So the only response dude will get is "Hey, I'm good. U? Now he's missed some vital information about how I don't like to be nearly ran off the road and that I may possibly have a touch of road rage when I drive (don't judge me). I miss the days of sitting up on the phone until some ungodly hour having a great conversation with someone. I mean hell if you want to bring it into the 21 century you can even skype me. But if you think you are going to be inbox pimping me on fb...well you are just all wrong, the only thing that tells me about you is that you can type (and not necessarily in grammatically correct sentences).

Also I swear if I hear one more "when you gon make time for me" or "i'm tryna see you" i'm going to go all *kelis I hate you* on a nig. What happened to just asking a girl out? Hell a "will you go out with me, check the box" would be better than that I'm tryna see you bullish. Why do I have to figure out my availability, check it against your availability, then pick and plan the whole date (b/c you know if you don't plan the date the nig will just say we can just "hang out" which is just a translation for "have sex"). I like a guy to just straight up ask me out for a particular night. I like for a guy to pick the place, this way i know they will pick a spot that is in their budget so I don't have to worry about if they can afford the places I would pick (b/c i don't even play that going dutch crap). AND if the dude has had a real conversation with me at least once they will totally know what I like and don't like b/c I think I talk about food in far too many conversations (i swear I was a fluffy girl in a former life). After all this, dude can just tell me where to show up...Is that asking to much? I think maybe I have high and maybe even unreasonable expectations of guys... but i don't really see them changing anytime though :( *shrug*

Thoughts on the boy's father

2011-05-14T14:21:00.000-04:00

Since blogger was down the day all this happened I ended up writing out all my feelings, but not being able to post. So below is the original story...and I will do and update blog and how i'm feeling now.

So today I got a call from the boy's mother. She starts the conversation out by saying “Ria I just want to appeal to you woman to woman, mother to mother”. She tells me that donor and I had a court date today and I didn’t show up. Mind you I have received no notice at all of a court date and me not showing up is grounds for them to dismiss my child support case. Super blower and a whole nother story. Anyway she called to implore me to talk to donor and try to work our parenting situation without court. She said that it is her belief that the parents are supposed to raise their child and if a child’s father chooses not to step up then the woman should just make a way for her kids. She should never drag a man to court to make him take care of the child. That is the way she raises her daughter, but she understands that I wasn’t raised that way. She understands where I’m coming from, but we are just from two different worlds. She told me that the donor is going to call me and when he does she wants me to listen to him without arguing or fighting and try to come to an agreement without the courts involvement. She told me that she believes her son has changed. Since his step father died he’s been coming around more (to see her) and she can see a difference in him. She thinks he’s finally ready to do right and she wants me to give him a chance. She tells me how he was never raised to be that kind of man and she has no idea where he gets this behavior from, but she wants us to work this out….

So I respectfully told her that I tried to work with her son for 6 years and he chose to ignore me, not come around, ignore my calls, even ignore calls from his son. He’s the one that has not wanted to cooperate. She knows this, but that is the past….

Now his mother is a sweet well intentioned woman and when the boy was younger she really did help out a lot with a number of things, but when it comes to her son, he is like the prodigal son and she is always standing there with open arms to take him back. Unfortunately it isn’t the same for me. I’ve watched him hurt my baby for years. I’ve seen the boy watch his friends dad do things with him and had to figure out how to explain why his dad wasn’t around. When the boy first started school he would see his friends dad pick them up from school, so for weeks he would always stand at the window looking. When I asked him what he was looking for he would say “I’m waiting for my dad, dad’s pick their sons up in their trucks and play with them”. When Isiah did T-ball and basketball I was out there with my uncoordinated ass helping him while all the other little boys had their dads to help. Every time the boy wanted to call his father and tell him he loved him and he left a message for his dad that his dad never returned I had to explain that. Just this weekend on Mother’s day he asked me if there is a day for fathers too. I told him there was and it was in June. I told him we could do something special for his granddad. But he said “its too bad my dad isn’t around so I can have a father’s day with him”. Even after this nig has neglected him for this long he still wants to do something for his dad. And this bastard had completely disregarded my child. But he’s around at least somewhat for his other two children. They go over his house, he comes to see them. And of course when the boy sees his siblings and they talk about their dad’s house or whatever, he wonders why he can’t do the same thing. How effed up is that.

I want Isiah to have a man in his life, but I don’t think I will ever trust Dexter, I don’t know if I have it in me to believe anything he says ever. I don’t want him around my son, I don’t want to talk to him, and there is no way in hell I would even consider dropping a court case against him. I don’t even understand how she as a mother could ask something like that of me. Make it seem like I’m the bad guy for trying to hold her son accountable. His problem is he never has to be held accountable b/c she is always there to bail him out.

Years ago I prayed that Dexter would come around and be the kind of dad the boy deserved…then I stopped that prayer and began to pray God would bring someone in my life to be a dad for him…Now I simply pray that God gives me the strength to raise and support him on my own. I don’t know how to respond to his. The whole situation just makes me mad. I lived a perfectly comfortable life with him being out of site out of mind. I don’t want to talk to this man and I don’t want him around my son. And if he does call me I don’t know if I’m willing to listen to anything he has to say. I hate what he’s done to my son. I don’t even have a speck of respect for him. He is less than scum as far as I’m concerned. How am I supposed to work out a parenting situation with someone that is subhuman?

Everyone wants to have sex with me ugh

2011-05-10T23:22:00.000-04:00

So I guess I should qualify that title statement... Its no secret to anyone that I'm ready to be in a relationship (although that is an understatement, at this point I'm trying to keep alive the hope that I'll come across someone worth being in a relationship with). So being on the relationship track I actually have to do things like meet guys and go out on dates. I'm trying to be open minded and give guys a chance, blah, blah, blah. But everyone I meet just wants to have sex with me. And I don't mean it in the "totally self absorbed girl that thinks everyone wants her hot pocket" kinda way. I mean it in the, "I'm really trying to take the advice of my friends and not just write these guys off and give them a chance, but all they talk about his how sexy I am or just want to hang out instead of properly date me" kind of way. Its really annoying.

I got really annoyed today when I saw a sexy friend from like 10 years ago...seriously. I met him before I got involved with the boy's father. I honestly only remember very little about him except that he was a sexy friend, but apparently in his mind we had a bit of relationship thing or something...idk...Background: I was 19 or so and home from college, heavy into modeling and he was/is a male model. We did a couple of photoshoots together, which lead to a couple dates, which lead to some loving. idk how it ended, i probably just stopped calling him *shrug*. Anyway fast forward 10 years and we end up being in a play together (yes I'm in a play, its a super small part that I got put in last minute which is why I haven't mentioned it) and he's all "hey remember me". So at first it was cool b/c I thought one of the other girls in the play was his gf, but turns out she's not and he's all "hey we should hang out what are you doing this weekend". I wasn't really interested in reconnecting, but again I was trying to be open minded so I'm like sure we can do something. Then he starts reminiscing about my hot pocket and eye molesting me every time he looks my way and telling me my "sex appeal is on 1000"...just b/c we had sex before does not mean we will ever have sex again blah

Oh yeah did I tell you that last week a guy told me he wants to lick me? Seriously we just met, struck up a conversation, and he just busts out with "I'm sorry you are just so damn sexy... I wanna lick you"

Met another guy last week that was super cute, nice smile, we had a brief conversation and he was giving me the flirtatious eyes and the LL Cool J lip lick (which he could pull off b/c he had nice lips), but then I had to go. So he finds me on fb and I'm all thinking "yay, maybe we can go out sometime" then I start looking through is page and pics and he totally has a girlfriend. Which means he was only licking his lips b/c he wanted to have dirty mistress sex with me.

Even the guy that does my nails is all trying to get in the hot pocket, telling me how my feet look good enough to suck on and he could totally do that if I wanted him to...or if my nails chip or anything just give him a call he will come over to my house and fix it...translation "i have a kinky foot fetish and I want your hot pocket"

And all of this would be fine if I was on the sex track instead of the relationship track...but I'm just not in that place right now, between babies and the risk of diseases these days I'm avoiding misc penis like the plague... Just so we're clear, this dating thing sucks harder than a hooker. #Thankyouforlistening

Mother's Day...and all other holidays

2011-05-08T20:31:00.000-04:00

Its around 8pm on Mother's day and I must say its been a nice day. But holidays make me kind of sad. In all of their family friendliness holidays remind me of my ever so pitiful singleness. Now I will start out by saying I'm in no way ungrateful. I have a wonderfully amazing life with wonderfully amazing children this is simply the reality of what I'm feeling at this very moment. Mother's day reminds me that I have no one. No husband to fix me breakfast in bed, no boyfriend to buy me flowers, not even a potential to send me a "happy mother's day beautiful" text message. I didn't even get a text from either of my sperm donors for taking exceptional care of their children with little to no help from them. There are a ton of guys out their claiming I'm their "when I" girl. When I finish school, when I get my career right, when i finish doing this, or when I am ready for that, but none of them are even my Mr. Right Now. Today, in all its wonder was just another day. I still had to cook, straighten up, take care of the kids, run errands, didn't get a nap or even a moment to myself until now. I spent the day doting on my mother and the other mothers in my life. I'm looking forward to the day I have someone to dote on me. The kids are too young now, I know if the boy could he would give me the world and I'm so lucky for that. I just wish I had someone to share it all with, someone to complete my little family. Again not a complaint, but I feel like the right guy is the one little piece of my puzzle that's missing. Clearly there is something else God is still waiting for me to get before he sends my guy...lol. Anyway I will sit here and eat the edible arrangement I bought myself for mother's day and enjoy all the things I do have...btw, I know that one day its going to happen to me. and whatever little tidbit of hope you may be inclined to leave me as encouragement please don't. This isn't what I need at the moment, I'm just sayin <3 Thank you for listening

Enter stage left!

2011-04-25T12:18:00.000-04:00

So for the past year or so I have been on a complete hiatus from the limelight. Haven't modeled, not even a photoshoot, nothing. Well let me just say I miss the hell out of it. Don't get me wrong I totally love that I took time out to just do the mom thing. It was necessary and great b/c I got to enjoy baby girl and the boy. My schedule is already crazy, so the fact that I want to add anything else into it may seem a bit much. But I have to be honest with myself. I have a passion for the spotlight. Not in a self centered sort of way, but I abolutely love being on stage, I love modeling, I love having my picture taken, I actually also want to try out some photography. And after seeing the color purple last week I remembered how much I love theater. I can't tell you how much I wanted to be up there singing and dancing. I would be stripping away apart of who I am if I just never went back to any of it. So this summer, after i'm all done with school, I plan to get back into my passion. Maybe audition for an upcoming musical, singing with a band, certainly getting in touch with some of my old modeling contacts. I don't want to spend anymore time in the audience saying "geez I wish I was up there". Life is short, carpe diem!!!

Happy Monday lovelies!

Puddles on my floor

2011-04-22T14:33:00.000-04:00

So I'm all into the potty training thing with baby girl. I know that she's ready for it b/c she will go off to a spot so she can poop alone. And she now knows how to take off her own pull up so after she pees she will take it off and put on another. Two clear indications that that little stinker can go in a pot (i.e. i can stop spending so much money on pullups). Anyway, at home I have pots both upstairs and downstairs so there is never an issue when it comes to going to the bathroom. The other day, she again peed in her pull up and immediately took it off. Only there were no new pullups to get they were all in her room. So she just decided to run around the living room "free". Now I saw that she had taken the pull up off, but I figured, she had just peed, the pot was only steps away, she should be ok for a few minutes..."Be free grasshopper". Well not even two minutes later as she is running through the dining room towards me (i was in the kitchen) she stops in her tracks, looks down, and just begins to pee right there on the dining room floor. The best part about it was the sight of the pee made her happy. She watched it and laughed and when it was all done she clapped and said "yay" the same way we do when she actually uses the pot. It was one of those frustrating moments as a parent where you are supposed to be mad, but really you think its funny and you just want to laugh. Needless to say grasshopper can no longer go free in the house.

IDK

2011-04-21T22:10:00.000-04:00

So yesterday on the way home with the kids, I was on the street that turns into my neighborhood when I came upon an accident. When I drove up there is one fire truck, on body laying out in the middle of the street, one paramedic banging on the persons chest while the others scrambled for a stretcher, and a friend or relative of the person in hysterics at the seen, many others were in tears watching the paramedic trying to save the person. I couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl, but I could tell they were young. They had been hit by a car. The impact knocked their shoes off...I could also see those, one on the sidewalk the other also in the street, not far from where the body was. The paramedic kept banging on their chest and each time their body would jerk, but then it went limp again. No response. More people walked up and stumbled on the scene before the arriving police officers could clear the area. Each time a person saw the body they broke down crying. Even though the paramedics were working hard everyone could see that if they were still alive, it was just barely.

As this went on baby girl started crying, she was already tired, but all the commotion around her just made her even more fussy, especially since the car was no longer moving and she really hates just sitting. The boy, though he didn't see the body, saw everyone crying and heard all the people talking. He began asking questions about what happened. He asked if the person was one of his friends, after all we were right around the corner from our house. He asked if the person was dead. He asked why a car would hit a person. He's at the age where he is old enough to understand the things that happen in life, but not old enough to know why or to understand that sometimes no one ever knows why. I tried to answer his questions without crying. I wanted to cry though, for some reason I felt like my heart was breaking. I was looking at someone's child, spouse, parent, sibling, friend, lying in the street. I've never seen anything like that, to see someone dead or dying right in front of me and there was nothing I could do. Eventually the police got organized, blocked off the street and allowed for traffic to move away from the scene. When we got home the boy and I prayed, for the person that got hit and the family. The boy prayed that if God could make him "come alive again" that he would do it, but if he couldn't make him come alive again that their family would be ok.

What bothers me even more though is this all happened at about 6pm on April 20, 2011. I've watched the news constantly and search the web for more information about the accident, who the person was, what happened, was it a hit and run, any thing to make this person more than just a body lying in the street. Its almost like I needed closure. But I haven't been able to find anything. I've googled, searched individual news sites I've watched channel 4, 5, 7, 8, and 9 waiting for even a short 10 second mention of it. Nothing. Its almost like none of this ever happened. I'm sure no news trucks even came to the incident. But on the other side of town in Haymarket, VA another accident happened where a teen girl was killed when her speeding car hit a deer and lost control. Its been on every news channel in 20 minute intervals since it happened. People know who this girl was, they have interviewed family members, they offered grief counseling for her friends and teachers at her school. People know who she was and what happened to her. But somebody's baby was laying in the middle of Walker Mill road yesterday in PG county Maryland and I can't even find their name or what became them.

Feeling Fat

2011-04-19T15:52:00.000-04:00

OK so I know the folks that have seen me or any of my pics lately will be telling me to shut up, so I will start by saying this may be a slightly neurotic post, but so what don't judge me, everyone should be allowed to have a moment...Anyway I seriously feel like I've turned into fat pig recently. I'm up to 136lbs...which is heavy for me since I like to stay between 130 and 133. I mean last year this time I had gotten down to like 127 or something around that, which I liked. I will say one slight plus about this weight gain is some of it has gone to my booty and I'll take that ALL DAY. I went out this weekend and was giving #dangerous curves, instead of my normal #speedbump. But this extra donut around my waist just has to go. I've started doing Beach Body Insanity and it is quite literally insane. Workouts 6 times a week and don't even get me started about how I'm sweating like a pig before the warm-up is done.Its one of those workouts where every day before I do it I think to myself "why the hell am I torturing myself like this" but then when its over I'm like "ok, I did a little bit better today than yesterday #winning". Not to mention Shaun T the instructor is mega sexy...no seriously google him and his ripped abs to know what I'm talking about. Can you say #motivation! So We'll see what the end result ends up being. But I do know there is no way I'm entering into the summer all flibbity flabbity.

OK I'm finished with my neurotic rant. #thankyouforlistening

Young Boyz

2011-04-19T15:37:00.000-04:00

So I don't really know what's going on with me, but I seem to be attracting little young boys. and by young I mean like 25 and 26. Now I'll start by saying, I realize i'm only 29...but i'm not a totally single carefree 29. I'm 29 with two kids and a mortgage. Now in my personal opinion the average 25 or 26 yo boy is not ready for all that I have to offer and the last thing I need is to take care of a big kid. Am I wrong for thinking that?

Disclaimer: I know there are excepetions to every rule, but lets be real here. What am i seriously going to do with a 25yo? I know what you're thinking, but I also don't need a horny little boy either. lol

"Black girls are easy....Word?" or "I'm putting my foot down Dagnabbit"

2011-03-22T11:16:00.000-04:00

Hello Lovelies. I'd like you to know that as I write this I'm climbing way up high on my soapbox b/c I'm really annoyed at the moment. So much so that instead of highjacking someone's FB status (as I have been known to do) I'm going to stay in my lane and vent my feelings in my own personal space. So here goes...

Today on FB one of my friends put up a link to a blog called "Black girls are easy" I read two blogs by this guy, one about why black women can't find a man (the standard reasons, we're whores, we fall for no good dudes, we are just in love with being in love) and the other about how its silly that we make men wait for sex b/c all they want is our hot pocket anyway so we should just give it up and stop tripping. #Pause as I calm myself down.

Here is the thing, I am about sick and motherluvin tired of constantly hearing what is wrong with me and how I need to change myself to get a Negro. It troubles my soul to read article after article telling me I'm too independent, I'm bossy, I'm angry, I've been hurt too many times, I'm too much of a prude, or I'm too much of a whore. I feel like every article about black women is a personal attack against me. After all I am a single, I'm black, and I'm a woman so if I don't have a man by now clearly I'm doing something wrong. I need to think like a man, I need to listen to straight talk, I need to be soft and happy like a Kardashian. Eff all that I'm really sick of it. This is me, Ria, all day, either love me or leave me alone.

Men today are like the women of the 90s. Back in the day all you heard was how men are dogs, men only want one thing, men are liars...blah blah blah. And also back in the day all these "good men" hated such a stereotype b/c they weren't all dogs, and liars, and hot pocket chasers. Please explain to me how this full out attack on black women is any different? Are men dogs, hell yeah some of them are but I can't just assume every man is like that. Are black women angry and bitter, hell yeah some of them are, but you would be stupid to assume all of us are. The truth is every stereotype and characterization comes from somewhere, there are people that fit into every box you can imagine, but you have to allow each individual to show themselves for who THEY are, not who you try to peg them to be. I mean there was a time when black people were considered property, not human beings. We were lazy and listless, we weren't capable of logical thinking and therefore didn't need education. We would all get pissed if someone clutched their purse when we walked into an elevator with them. But black people are known to be criminals right? The type of stereotypes black men and women are throwing at each other are no different than the racial stereotypes that have been thrown at us as a race all our lives. And let's be completely realistic do we see any other race of people vilify one another the way we do? Of course not, because its absolutely asinine.

Damn right I'm independent, get over it. Yes I have a good job, a nice car, I get my hair and nails did every 2 weeks, I pay all my own bills, and I can do just about anything you can do. So what. That doesn't change the fact that I still need a man in my life. That doesn't change the fact that I still want to be treated like a lady and will expect such from the very first meeting.
Lets keep it all the way funky. Black women today are as independent as we are out of necessity. If we didn't step up and take care of ourselves then who else would do it? And truth be told we have always been this independent. Back when our men were getting sold away to other masters, who would have to raise our children by ourselves. Back when our men would have to go off to find work, we didn't just sit around twirling our fingers, women managed the household and made sure there was food and clothing for our children. When our men just flat out left the home we went out and got jobs and held things down. Then after watching our mothers and grandmothers work so hard we started going off to college and setting our sites on education and careers first before marriage. Then we got to the point where there are more black women entering and graduating college then black men. Where black women are earning equal or higher salaries. That's just what it is.
Again I understand that as women we have to know our role in a relationship, but men must also learn not to judge their measure as a man by how many commas they have in their salary. Both parties have to bend to make any relationship work. Do I need a man in the sense of material gain, status, or stability? NO! Do I need a man to comfort and support me, to allow me to comfort and support him, to be the leader of my household, and an example to my children? Absolutely!!

My hot pocket is my business. I've read one article that says we give it up to fast, another says it doesn't even matter when you give it up dudes don't care anyway. Plain and simple your pocket belongs to you. If you choose to open your pocket to any kind of miscellaneous penis that is your business, just be safe. If you choose to lock your hot pocket down simply because today is Tuesday and it felt like a good day to close up shop, that's ok too. The issue isn't when you give the hot pocket away, the issue is why you give your hot pocket away. If you are using your hot pocket as a tool to attract, hook, or keep a man you have a problem. Men are simple creatures, but they are not all that shallow. You can twerk your pocket from here to Jupiter on any guy, if you have nothing else to offer you will continue to wake up alone. If you are giving out hot pocket to feel loved and needed there is a problem. No person is going to love and need someone that does not love and need themselves. Many women lack confidence and that is the reason they have sex easily, hold on to relationships with men that don't care about them, and a whole host of other self depreciating behaviors. But I can promise you that all these attacks on black women and how jacked up we are, do nothing to help the millions out there that already don't know their own worth. It simply creates even more insecurities and these women simply conform to what they think men want.
And for the record this is not just an issue with women. Men that lack confidence also use their conquests as a measure of self worth. So I also say to men, just b/c you have a back breaker in your pants and ladies love him, if that is all you have to offer you too will continue to wake up alone. Most women keep a few guys on their POR list (penis on reserve) but just know that when you get that call it is simply to fulfill a physical need. They are going out and dating guys that really have something to offer them outside of sex. And when they find that one, you will stop getting calls. Please understand men, we women are well aware of the game, many of us have been playing and perfecting it for years.
On the other hand if you are a happy, confident woman or man that likes sex, but does not want to be in a relationship then hey, you go and you have sex...you go have lots of good sex...just be honest with the people you deal with and make sure you protect yourself.

We have more similarities than differences. When it comes to love and relationships men and women have so much more in common than what is acknowledged. Many of us have wanted someone that didn't want us back. Many of us have given too much of ourselves to someone that didn't deserve it. Many of us have been lied to and cheated on. Many of us have dated all kinds of folks looking for the right one. Many of us have been angry and bitter. Many of us have done someone wrong b/c the last person did us wrong. Many of us have let someone great slip through our fingers b/c we weren't ready for them at the time. These problems aren't new and they aren't gender exclusive. These are all common speed bumps on the road of love. So stop all the finger pointing. Its silly. Its so easy for both sides to point fingers at each other, but we all experience the same thing. Granted we communicate in completely different ways and often don't understand each other... so what. If all we focus on is how different we are, how different we act, how different we think, we are going to continue to misunderstand each other. Not saying any sex will ever be able to figure the other out, but we can reach a level of common understanding and respect by trying to embrace the things we have in common.

I realize I'm being long winded, but I truly believe the dialogue between men and women, especially in many forms of public media, is completely unproductive. If we choose to keep accepting these things as true and living in these generalizations it won't fix the problem. And I am hardly the radical negro, but I do think that as a people our race is one of the most divisive. You don't hear white people, Asians, Hispanics, Africans, or any other race beat each other down the way we do. There aren't news stories about how there are a lack of good white men b/c more of them are in jail or uneducated. You don't hear how Asian women talk to damn much that's why they can't keep a relationship going. Its terrible how we attack each other. Black women are jacked up, I know b/c I'm one of them. But as jacked up as I am on my worst day I'm still a damn good woman #askaboutme. Black men are extra jacked up, but I still love you, I think you are amazing and strong, and beautiful, and hope that one day I will marry one of you heathens.

As I climb down off my soapbox I would like to thank you for reading my post, I know it was kind of long. I hope you found it meaningful and entertaining, but most of all thought provoking. *love and hugs* Ria!

So...RHOA reunion

2011-02-14T15:42:00.000-05:00

Did anyone else see that mess last night and hear Kim talking about writing her dirty whore monologues? Now let me start by saying Kim is the whore of all whores. And I know that sounds mean, but I don't knock her hustle at all, I mean this chick lives the super good life and really does not work at all. It really must be nice. If I didn't have such an aversion to being a dirty hooker I would be inclined to follow in her footsteps.

Anyway, on the show last night she mentioned that she is writing a book, that is basically a guide to getting your own "big poppa" AKA "the dirty gold digging whore handbook". And I am actually really happy for her. I mean look what being a hooker did for Korrine Stefans, she's making her own legit money now from her book sales. Idk if she still does porn or brushes up on her fellatio skills with random celebrities every now and again, but she is now an "expert" at something and she can capitalize at that. The same thing will be true for Kim. She is an expert at finding men and getting them to support her. This most recent relationship with the football player was right out of the hooker handbook b/c she met him and was pregnant by him within like 2 minutes. It really is amazing to watch.

So I wish Kim all the luck in the world. My only recommendation would be to make this hooker handbook a set of DVDs as the demographic she will be marketing too probably isn't all that keen on reading. Unless she plans to put lots of pictures in the book...I would say she should hire me to market her, but I also have an aversion to being spoken to like a Negro slave (i.e. I am not a sweetie). *kanye shrug*

She looks great!

2011-02-14T15:30:00.000-05:00

Has anyone else seen this add? I think she looks great. If i wasn't planning on being a Senator or senator's wife I would totally pose nude...lol

How Rude!...aka Adventures in the circle

2011-02-14T15:24:00.000-05:00

So I think I may have mentioned that baby girl's father is a member of the circle...the circle is a group of friends where everyone is cool...everybody gets invited to everything, regardless of any outside dealings that circle members may have with one another. So far in this circle there are 3 sets of people that have "outside the circle" ties (i.e. they got it in and spawned children together). However, of these three sets of people all of their "outside the circle" activities have long been over and they generally don't care for each other...So needless to say, I and the girls father are one of these sets that spawned offspring.

Anyway, this weekend one of the circle friends had a birthday party for their kid. Me and the other parent were invited. Now me and the other parent are cool. There is no hostility, I thought we were getting along fine. Well he comes into the party, walks around, mingles, doesn't even chuck some deuces my way. Then he comes over to the row of ladies that I'm sitting by and still does not speak. So I look at him thinking *are you effing kidding me* and he just keeps talking then goes about his business. So naturally the ladies are like "did he really not even speak to you"...yes the nig really didn't even speak to me.

Now I am mad for two reasons 1) when we are in public, we can at least be cordial to one another. Even if he is upset with me (for some reason unbeknownst to me) he can keep up reasonable appearances. Public displays of pisstivity are so 2010. 2) I in no way expect the other parent to genuflect to me every time he sees me, however, I would think he can open his mouth and speak to the mother of his child. The mother that takes exceptionally good care of his daughter and does not at all make his life difficult. The mother who raises the daughter that both he and his family consistently rave about how smart and well behaved and sweet she is. Where do you think she gets that ish from (i mean not to toot my own horn but *toot tot*). The fact that I take such good care of his child with such minimal assistance from him should at least get me a "hey what's up Ria" when he sees me at a function.

I mean wouldn't you agree? Am I tripping?

My two Valentines

2011-02-14T15:06:00.000-05:00

I just have to take some time out to talk about my amazing children. I realize that I make it clear just how much I am in love with them all the time, but I don't ever really think you can say it enough. The two of them are so utterly awesome that it melts my heart on so many levels.

The boy is growing up to be such a smart sweet little guy. Granted he leaves his clothes everywhere, forgets to flush the toilet when he pees, and smells like a lumberjack when he forgets his deodorant...he is still a wonderful little boy. When we are in the house and I'm busy doing work, he comes in periodically to "check on me" and make sure I'm ok. he gets excited about reading stories to me and sissy at night. He actually just called me a little while ago telling me he made me something for Valentine's day. Now I can't wait to get home and see what it is. I love talking to him, he has such a wild and vivid imagination, but also a very logical and simplistic way of looking at the world. Many of the things he says simply leave me in awe.

The girl...I don't even know where to begin. She's getting so big and smart too. She understands just about everything I say to her. She has already mastered the art of the *innocent smile*. She uses it against me every time I catch her doing something she has no business doing. I find myself looking at her and trying to lock every detail into my memory. The sparkle of her smile, her 8 and 2 pending teeth, her beautiful brown eyes, the sound of her giggle, the way she calls "ma-meeeeee", the way she rubs my shoulder when I pick her up, the way she stands up and yells "yayyyy" after sitting on the pot...even though she hasn't done anything.

Being their mom is by far the most noteworthy thing I've ever done in my life. I pray everyday that just a small fraction of the success I know they both are destined to achieve can be attributed to me and something I did right by them. Those little ankle-biters make my life so happy and fulfilled!

Blah to dating

2011-02-14T14:51:00.000-05:00

I realize I always complain about dating...well this blog won't be any different, sry. So here is the thing, I seem to attract guys that I'm either not at all interested in or guys that are so very unavailable. Why do I say this...
Example one...we will call him George (a la Greys Anatomy). George has been around for about 3 years now, I have never been interested in George, the way he even got my number was completely by default. Anyway I have told George straight out that I'm only interested in being friends with him. George on the other hand is super sweet and damn near makes a fool of himself with his interest in me. I've tried to like George, I've willed myself to find him attractive, prayed that if I was overlooking something I would finally see it. But I'm just not into George, being around him is like being around my brother. The thought of like kissing him or something is just yucky. Its sad too b/c George came by the other night and brought me some beautiful white roses just b/c it was Thursday. he told me he was going to wife me one of these days...hmmm...I'm sorry George, but I don't think so.

Then there is Mista...for whom i have a pending marriage appointment. Mista is great, but sometimes I wonder if by the time he is actually ready to settle down (like another 5 years from now) if he will want to do it with someone other than me. I can't help but think he will find a younger model somewhere down on the hill (granted she will still have nothing on all-a-dis, but you know how nigs are). They never realize the sheer awesomeness of what they have until its no longer available to them...smh

There is the African that I went out with on Friday...I call him the african b/c he's from Sierra Leone, but he's been in the states for 30 years, so he's an assimilated nig now. He was nice and not ugly, employed, and well spoken, but kind of boring and not a good dresser. There are some perks to keeping him around though, he has a company that does outdoor excursions, and a number of the things he does me and the girls are trying to do this spring anyway. So at least there is some incentive to seeing him again.

Then there is he that I shall not mention...*long sigh*

There are other a couple others that try on some level to get my attention, but they are either lame or only interested in getting to my hot pocket. Its so frustrating. I mean maybe I am too picky or something. Its not necessarily a particular formula I'm looking for its more of a feeling. Someone that I genuinely like and someone that makes me want to put some effort into seeing them. I'm not really getting that feeling right now for anyone.

Please don't comment with love advice, I'm just having a *dating sucks* moment. I'll be all hopelessly romantic again soon I'm sure.

...cont

2011-02-09T14:29:00.000-05:00

There are so many things going through my head right now that I don't even know where to start in terms of putting them on paper. I feel very emotional and vulnerable right now...actually I've been this way for the past couple of days. I don't know what has brought this on, but I want it to go away. I feel sad and lonely...I feel like this particular sadness I'm really unable to communicate to anyone else. This sadness isn't logical or straightforward or rational. All things I strive to be. This is different. and its not a new sadness, I've felt it before...its always annoying... I don't think I'm about to come on my period or anything...Maybe I need to meditate for a while and then pray. Not necessarily in that order. Or maybe have a glass of wine...is it wrong to drink wine while praying and/or meditating? Don't answer that last question btw. I will figure it out and feel better soon...Thanks for listening.

...

2011-02-09T13:30:00.002-05:00

... #thatisall

Crazy Convo aka She got kids

2011-02-02T21:02:00.002-05:00

I had an interesting conversation with a friend the other night. She is currently in a seemingly unhappy relationship...I say seemingly unhappy b/c she has told me a number of times that she is no longer attracted to him and he continually gets on her nerves. When I ask her if she loves him she says she's not in love with him and isn't sexually attracted to him. So you are probably asking the same question that I always ask..."why does she stay with him?"...well a big reason is she has a few kids (some of which he fathered) and she feels that if she were to leave him no one else would want her. Now I certainly understand where she's coming from. When I was preggers with the girl I certainly questioned how far my stock would drop being a single mother of two. However, over time I have realized that even with two ankle-biters my package is still head and shoulders above a large majority of women. So I really don't feel the need to settle for a super heathen just b/c I come with a ready made family. I do realize that there are guys that won't be able to handle all I got, but that's cool. I'm still not going to have just anything.

Anyway, I say all this to say it makes me sad to see someone I love settling b/c they don't think they will be able to do better. I think this particular friend settles a lot. She is super talented, smart, and beautiful, but she often sells herself short. I wonder if people ever feel the same way about me. I know I've sold myself short in relationships before. But as far as in life or my career I wonder if ppl feel like I'm not living my full potential. I mean I feel like I'm doing pretty well for myself, but I do know there is a lot more I'm capable of, I'm working on capitalizing on my strengths though. I mean I'm not even 30 yet and I'm kinda doing my thing. it can only get better from here right?

Sorry I went off on a tangent, back to the friend. I hope that in life and in love she realizes how great she is and instead of focusing on all the ways she could possibly fail, just go after something that makes her truly happy.

The Mista

2011-01-29T20:36:00.001-05:00

So, yesterday my ex who I will refer to as Mista cyberstalked me and found the link to this blog. Its interesting b/c I don't really divulge the link to this blog to any boyfriends, potentials, or guys in general. I think its easier that way. Since what I say in here is very much raw and unfiltered its easier that my menfolk don't come here. Now granted I do realize I have chosen to put my private feelings in a very public forum. Interestingly enough its almost easier to say things to misc strangers than it is directly to the people you'd like to say them to. Anyway I always know there is a chance any of them could very easily find this and read away...well that's exactly what Mista has done. He's been reading all the blogs from beginning to end and was very upset that there is no blog about him. So (since I know he will read this) this blog is for him.

Actually, I began blogging after mista and I broke up. I was really really hurt and needed a way to get my feelings out. I couldn't keep talking to my girlfriends about it, but it was the only thing on my heart and mind for months after it happened. I started writing to help me get over him. Mista was and maybe still is the love of my life. I can honestly say that I haven't held that level of emotion for anyone since we broke up. He was very sexy, smart, funny, arrogant as hell (but I liked it), and I could open up to him. He got me to a level of comfort I've never been able to get to before with any man. And the more he knew about me the more he loved me. It was actually quite nice...now before I romanticize our relationship too much mista was also arrogant, condescending, judgmental, and one sided. I argued with him like I've argued with no other. We would get into fights over the silliest things and debate each other until we were saying horrible things to one another. That's just what we did...

A friend of mine once said that anything that's super intense never ends well...well me and mista were certainly intense and we certainly didn't end well. I mean I loved that boy's dirty draws, I can't even talk about how much of a wreck I was when we broke up for good...lol... I actually think we would have been perfect for each other if our timing had been a little different, he's three years younger than me (yep I got me a lil tenderoni) and we were really in two completely different places. Since we ended he's gone on to do all the things he's set out to accomplish and he's been extremely successful. I'm immensely proud of him.

I don't know what made him decide to look me up (when he has my phone number and e mail address and could have just contacted me directly). I do know that he has stirred up emotions that I had neatly tucked away in the recesses of my mind...Relax I'm not that stirred up, but I miss the type of relationship we had...the friendship we had. He was kind of awesome, I mean he had to be for a woman of my caliber to even consider having him :o). In his mind I was basically supposed to wait for him to lay the foundation for his empire so he could then come back for me and the boy (he didn't know about baby girl until yesterday...can you say "shocker") and we could then take over the world together. That all sounds really great, except for the me waiting part... especially since there are still a couple more years to go before we would even be in the same book, much less the same chapter. Not to mention that in the mean time, in between time our communication is sporadic at best ( the last time we talked i was preggers with baby girl, which is why he didn't know I'd had a kid. That is an indication of how often he comes to see about me). I don't know what he plans to do with all this new found information about what's been going on with me for he past couple years...

So mista, I hope you have been entertained and I guess I will talk to you soon...This song has always reminded me of you...

Child Support Court aka the Bullshallots

2011-01-21T16:13:00.000-05:00

So my morning today was taken over by the heathens at the PG courthouse. How did I end up here again you ask...allow me to give a little background

January 2009- I take the boy's father for child support *for real this time*

October 2009- we actually get a court date to put the order in place. The CP system says that the bastard is bringing in $6000 a month, but he claims he only makes $16 an hour b/c he allegedly quit his second job. (sn- this means that at least for some amount of time he was bringing in 6K a month, but still doing NOTHING for his boy-child). Anyway, the judge grants a reduced temporary order and says that they will investigate his employment and change it if necessary.

September 2010- I get a notice from the PG court saying I've missed 2 court dates and if I miss the next one a "body attachment" or some kind of wild lingo will be issued. Some of my law enforcement savvy friends informed me that this means a bench warrant. Even though this was the first notice I had received about any court date.

That brings me to today...So anyway I show up this morning with all the documentation I need ready for the next round of crap with the bastard...

So for those of you that are unfamiliar, when you go to CS court you see all kinds of wild unnecessary shenanigans. To start there was the couple behind me that were talking/arguing in both English and Spanish. this ignorant dude keeps saying all kinds of racist stupid stuff (fyi hispanic negro...you are a hispanic negro!). Anyway the girl tells him that she's putting their kid in karate next month b/c she thinks he will like it. He responds "oh yeah that will be great, don't ask me for no fecking money though, you got all you getting from me, don't ask me for shite". Then they start talking about the last time he gave her money for the child to which he says "don't you remember that day I took you out to eat and we went and got a couple outfits from target...what chu mean I ain't give you no money". #fail

Then there was the mother with three super young, super bad kids that did not have the same father. So the one kid (who's dad she was in court to see that day) starts acting all extra wild and falling out. So she tells him "why don't you go over there and sit wit yo faava"...the father that is watching his child act a damn fool and just rolling his eyes and acting like he doesn't know any of them. #superfail

Finally, there is the little hispanic nigrette that comes in with some tights and a low cut summer shirt on. Her son/daughter (i couldn't tell what it was) has on some long SHORTS and a fleece hoodie. Both of them look pretty ragged and tattered. Mind you it was like 30 degrees this morning with a wind chill of -15. Why did the father come in with some Prada shoes, fresh to death everything. Princess cut cubic zirconias twinkling on each ear all bundled up and warm. I had to rebuke the cursing spirit that rose up in me when I saw this whole scenario take place. SMH #epicfeckingfail

And these were just the note worthy fails of the day, there were several atrocities that were in the running

So now back to me. I got to court before 8 am...the bastard didn't show. And I sat in CS court for two hours and 45 minutes on a hard azz wooden bench surrounded by shenanigans waiting for them to call my name. When they finally do call me I go in the court room. The judge swears me in, ask me why I missed the first two court dates, asked me if I knew where the bastard was (i told her we don't speak at all), then she issued a warrant for his arrest. The whole thing took literally less than 5 minutes...smh

So they are going to reschedule us yet again after he gets arrested/turns himself in...I hope I get the notice this time though! I do feel bad that he got an arrest warrant. I don't want him to get locked up and lose his job or I'll NEVER have a hope of getting my child support. But I don't have a phone number or address for him (b/c he doesn't want me to have any of his information). Sooooo....that was my morning. Happy Friday!!!!

Like a rockstar!!!

2011-01-20T15:25:00.000-05:00

So for the past few weekends I've really been doing it up. This past weekend I was out for my friend's bday and had a great time. I got a little nice off the drinks and danced up a storm. The only bad part was everyone had cameras and the pictures of my tipsy shenanigans are all over fb for folks to enjoy...lol. I mean I didn't do anything that wild, i just look pretty crazy in a few (and by a few I mean most) of the pics. SMH fyi *friends don't let friends take drunken facebook pictures* lmbo.

Anyway this weekend I will once again be shaking a tailfeather at another friends flirty 30 bday party. This will be super exciting b/c not only will I be partying with an old friend, I get to roadtrip with my bro! We haven't done that since our days driving up and down the highway from college. Singing, talking, laughing, such good times. I'm certainly looking forward to that. Then we get to get all dressed up and tear the party down like we did back in the day...OMG I don't think NC is ready for #alladis that we are bringing this weekend. LMBO

2011 = *flirty 30* for me and all my friends. #Goodtimes

Breaking my own rules...smh

2011-01-20T15:14:00.000-05:00

Sooooo... Here is the thing recently I've been breaking my own rules in regards to having a sexy friend. The Boo lova in question has been around for a while now and we have a wonderful sexy friendship. But I admittedly have broken a few of the rules with him so far. The first being I have actually had meaningful conversations with him...I know that sounds wrong, but a sexy friend is just that, there is no need to talk about anything other than the sex. But often after that happens he initiates conversations and I engage. Doing this has made me realize that he's a smart guy. In addition he consistently responds to many of my post on FB so it gives me some indication of his thoughts and beliefs...many of which are similar to mine. Second rule that I broke is we actually hung out together (no sex involved). I had him over my house and he got to meet a few of my friends, he even brought a few of his friends and we all had a great time. So now it was already getting mildly weird b/c my friends ask about him, his friends comment on my fb randomness, but again we are not dating.

Anyway in the midst of that hanging out, one of his friends and one of my friends connected, hit it off...now they want to go on a weekend away and they want boo lova and I to come too. Now at first thought this is great and super fun and nice b/c its a weekend of sexy friending (devilish grin) and who doesn't want that. My fear is that if I spend a whole weekend with this boo lova and he continues to be the nice cool person that he seems to be and he continues to sexy friend me the way he has been... that I'll start to really like him and that could throw a wrench in the game. If this were to happen it could jeopardize the good loving and I really don't want that. I mean if I start to like him and its not reciprocated I will just have to leave him alone and that sucks harder than a hooker. But I don't see myself not going on the trip b/c like I said it would be super fun...I have no reason to think that the boo lova wants anything more than a sexy friendship with me (which is fine since I haven't come across anyone I'm really interested in dating yet), so if--you know-- real feelings were to develop it would suck b/c I couldn't be his sexy friend anymore.

idk...i guess I'll just go and see what happens b/c the thought of both getting away period and getting away with this group of friends is pretty cool...blah.

My neurosis

2011-01-17T20:12:00.000-05:00

Sooo...now that I'm all "i want a boyfriend" again I've remembered how much I dislike the dating process and all that "getting to know you" "letting you know I like you" "wondering if you like me" bulldung. This crap is for the birds. I really wish I could skip past all this and move straight to the great relationship part. I realize that is impossible, but that's just how I feel about it. This is always the hardest and most nerve racking part of the process, especially when you find someone you like. Just having sex when I felt like it was far easier than this. I'm extremely good at concealing my feelings and keeping people at a safe distance. I'm not so good with letting people in and if I'm going to do all that I want it to be with one person, i can't do it over and over again. I wish that whenever I met someone I like I could just call God up and be like "am I at least getting warm" lmbo. But none of it is that easy. I don't want to end up falling for a heathen I just want a nice normal happy relationship.

However, I realize that in order to get to what i want I have to go through this part. So I will date, I will try to express how I feel about the nigs...funny thing is I actually just finished giving my cousin advice on this a couple weeks ago...I just need to play back that conversation and do those things myself...its always so much easier to give advice than it is to take it of course.

Blah

2011-01-10T20:33:00.000-05:00

Sooo...I'm on my period again...I just started getting them again last month (I got a two year break while I had the girl). So as I was all bloated, crampy, and uncomfortable today I started thinking about how women really have a raw deal in this whole reproduction thing. Not only do we get periods, we have the babies, then we go through menopause...what do men go through. Maybe some random midlife crisis where they buy a sports car and flirt with younger women, but nothing that can even begin to compare to what we go through. I do believe its that way on purpose though, if men were made to do any of the three above mentioned things, human life would cease to exist. The joys of being a woman! #thatisall

Happy New Year!

2011-01-07T11:40:00.000-05:00

Hello beautifuls! I'm sorry I've been MIA, but I must tell you I embraced my inner negro over the holidays and did a whole lot of nothing. I took off the last 2 weeks of the year to catch up on sleep, quality time with the kids, and my sanity. Its funny that I honestly didn't realize how exhausted I was until I had a chance to just stop. I guess school, work, kids, and generally being awesome can take its toll after a while. But I will say that after my little R&R I feel wonderfully refreshed and ready to take on 2011.

I'm already off to a great start, I've been early to work all this week, I've been exercising every day, and well that's about it so far...lol. I do plan to stay up on my blogging game though. I can never forget that. I'm thinking about revamping my YBR blog though. Interestingly enough I've been doing YBR for like 2 years now and I know lots of people read it, but (shame on them) hardly anyone comments on it. So recently I've been taking the questions I'd normally put on YBR and posting them as Questions of the Day "QOTD" on my facebook page. They have become pretty popular and get plenty of comments and discussion. Logistically I would have to think about how to work this out as the goal of YBR was to eventually take the blogs and comments (making them anonymous of course) and turn it into a book. That isn't going to be as easy on FB b/c there are really no archival and editing tools *long sigh* I will figure it all out though. Anyway I am enjoying the fun of the QOTD, the first ones of this year have been all the way live in ways I could never have imagined. It just puts more responsibility on me to 1) be consistent and 2) come up with questions that are interesting enough to generate conversation. I think I can handle it though.

So I know in my last post i was all "i don't want no relationship"...yeah well I'm over that. I have really thought about it and I totally want a relationship. I've been single for a super long time and I'm totally happy with it, I just think I could be even happier with an Other. So me (and a few of my girls) are now on *Operation Find a Peter*. For those of you that don't know Peter is a guy on the show Real Housewives of Atlanta. He's a handsome, manly, chocolaty, scoop of sexy...lol. The whole operation is basically finding the right guy for us, which I think is totally doable. One thing I can say is I feel like I really know myself a lot better now than I ever have. I feel sexier than I've ever felt in like...ever, I'm just in a good place and I feel like I'm capable of functioning properly in a relationship. I have to admit, part of me is uber scared of the whole "opening up" part, me and warm fuzzy emotions don't always mix well, but once I can get past that I should be ok. There is even someone I like, we aren't dating or anything but the fact that I've found someone that has held my interest for more than a couple weeks is pretty awesome. We'll see what happens.

The kids are super awesome, the boy is still the boy. Still dirty and smart, and funny, and sweet. I love him. he just makes my heart smile. Baby girl...ahhhh where do I begin. Her smile is the light of my day. I can't get enough of her. She's getting super big now and learning new words. Her little personality is definitely coming through and I can see myself in her already (not sure if that will be good or bad...lol). Christmas for us was very nice. The kids got tons of presents, we spent time with family it was a great day. New years was equally awesome. The girl was with her dad and the boy was with his friend. I went over a friends house, ate awesome food, drank, and played the Michael Jackson Experience until the wee hours of the morning. Soooo much fun. On NY day I had game night at my house. Lots of good friends and pure comedy. The men cheated in taboo and tried to claim a victory (which they all blasted on their FB page...lol) but it was a good time none the less. We added a couple new guys to the game night crew and that turned out great, we might actually invite them back again.

All in all life is pretty decent. I'm (as usual) hopelessly optimistic about the upcoming year and all the amazing things that may be in store. I hope all of you are feeling the same way. And I plan to share my journey-- the good, bad, and funny-- with you all right here. *love and hugs* ~Ria

Relationship...I think i'll pass

2010-12-09T22:43:00.000-05:00

Yeah so a while ago I said that I think I want a boyfriend again...but once again I'm not so sure. I mean I'm still open to whatever may come along, but I'm not really putting any effort into meeting or getting to know anyone right now. There are probably a number of reasons for it, I think its going to take a pretty persistent guy to pull me back into the game. Right now there are guys that ask me to go out or to do things, but I just don't entertain them. Its easier to just occupy myself with the kids. When I think of the level of effort that it takes to get to know someone and all the effort it takes to keep a relationship going... I'm not sure if I'm up for it. Not to mention all the crazy relationships I see going on around me. It doesn't motivate me. My mom and I were talking about my aunt's relationship with her husband (who happens to be crazy) she had been in an accident and her car was totalled so they have been operating on one car. They had been planning on coming to my mom's engagement party for weeks. Well the day of the party they got in an argument and he decided that not only was he not going to the party, he was not going to drive her (his car is manual and she doesn't know how to drive it). So she had to scramble to find a ride there and back b/c she didn't want to miss the party. He finally tells her that "if she apologizes" he will come pick her up *giving my what the flocka face". That reinforced my desire to chill out.

I will admit though, while I was at my mom's engagement party this past weekend, it did kind of make me think about having that great love (that I know I will have one day). My mom's fiance is a super romantic guy. The day after they met, he came to her job, brought her a gift and asked her out. For their first anniversary he had 200 roses sent to her job. Early in the relationship he got her an "exclusivity ring" just to symbolize their relationship and dedication to her. She wore that until he got her an engagement ring earlier this year. He cooks for her, rubs her feet, and just takes care of her. Its super nice. There was another couple there that has been marred for 20 yrs and together for 33!!!! can you believe that. My mom was asking her if she still desired him and she said a very certain "I sure do". She said he still buys her flowers every week just b/c and she still gets butterflies when she sees him. I certainly want to know that kind of love one day, I am just so unmotivated with it all right now.

I guess if the right guy comes along all this will change and I'll be a cheerleader for love once again...*kanye shrug*

My Hair

2010-12-09T22:25:00.000-05:00

So last Monday November 29 I chopped all the perm out of my hair. I had decided to go natural a couple months before, so I had my last perm around my birthday I believe. The original plan was to transition until the spring and then chop out all my perm...well that just didn't work out at all. As the new hair started growing in it did not cooperate well with the permed hair. The new growth was all thick and curly and the permed hair was all thin and stringy. I was trying to manage it on my own and make myself look decent, but it wasn't working. So last Monday I went to the hair salon fully intending on getting twists or something in my hair and I was telling my hair dresser about my desire to go natural. She suggested I just do the big chop now. Truth be told I had been thinking about it already but I was scared. So as I was sitting in the chair I sent a text to my cousin about it. She responded "just do it" and so I did.

My heart pounded the whole time she was cutting. I could hear my hair in the scissors and see it falling to the floor. I recorded the whole thing, I was super nervous so I just talked and made jokes so I wouldn't freak out. Afterward I felt a wave of emotions, kind of excited and kind of scared. I never realized how big of a deal it would be, but doing my big chop was kind of emotional. When I got home I kept looking in the mirror. The boy was actually super supportive and made me feel a lot better about it. He first told me I was as pretty as a sunflower and he couldn't stop looking at my head. Then I was telling him about how I wonder what everyone will say (yes we talk like this) and my 7yo child told me...well mommy you are grown and you can cut your hair if you want to and you don't have to care what nobody says about it. I just looked at him and felt so good. I don't know who's raising that child, but they are doing a darn good job...lol. Now though almost two weeks later I absolutely love it. I feel confident and pretty and I still feel sexy (which was a concern at first). Yay me and my big chop

I know its been too long...i'm lame

2010-12-09T21:46:00.001-05:00

I should be ashamed of how long I've gone without posting. Shame on me! Ok so here goes....this will be the first of a couple posts.

I'm really on this private school thing with the boy. Its going to be a lot of work, but I'm going to apply for a few and at least see it all the way though. I was so impressed with Sidwell. They have small class sizes (15 kids per teacher) there are two teachers for each class. They have recess twice a day which is great for the boy b/c he's so hyper. They have music 4 times a week with plays/concert each quarter. They have a separate science class and science lab with stations for each of the kids. There is a full time technology teacher that works with all the teachers to integrate technology to each of the subjects as well as the kids having time in the computer lab. The librarian has read every book in the entire library. The art room is amazing, I wanted to sit down and create something, but they don't just learn how to make stuff, they also learn art history. All the subjects are integrated into one another art/reading/math/social studies. So the lessons are reinforced throughout the day. They allow the kids to work on projects outside of class, so if they finish their class work early or before the rest of the class, they can go to one of the common areas and work on a group project (which would be perfect for Zay b/c one of the problems he has now is he finishes his work fast then gets restless b/c he has nothing to do). They teach the kids to recycle and compost and the kicker for me was they use glass plates and real silverware at lunch. I was in love...I want that kind of education for the boy.

Again its a long shot, but I'm going to try

Catching up

2010-11-16T10:42:00.000-05:00

Hello my lovelies, sorry its been so long since my last post. interestingly enough life has been relatively boring in the past month or so, so I can fill you in in just one blog.

Baby girl is the awesomest little girl on the planet and I love her more every minute. She now says ma-ma regularly, she says yes and no (she says no far more often than she says yes), and she also says "yay" while putting her hands in the air and waving them...can you say adorable!!! I love her
The boy is great also, he's doing good in school and there have been no more incidents since penisgate. I did however go to an information session last week for Sidwell Friends school. Did you know they have 6mil in financial aid for kids to go to their school...and sadly in my visit I saw the kind of education that 30K a year can get you and its far superior to the education he's getting at his current school. it made me sad but also determined to do even more for him so he can reach his full potential. I'm going to apply there and to a few other schools. Its a long shot, but my boy is worth the effort. At least i'll be able to say I tried.
Me, i'm awesome. I have decided that i'm going to go natural (for real this time). I'm letting my perm grow out completely. I'm going to wear it curly and try out twists and such until I get a bit more length. My goal is to grow it out until April or May and then cut out the permed part...but honestly I kind of want to just chop it all off now and let it grow from there. We'll see what happens. You know I'm crazy and very well may just decide to cut it all off one day :o)

That's pretty much it over here. I'm super busy at work, I haven't started any Christmas shopping and I'm tired as hell...but none of that is really news. So ttyl

I don't even know what to title this blog...more random shite that only happens to me

2010-10-19T10:49:00.000-04:00

I just have to blog about his b/c its super extra unbelievable. I’m sure many of you saw my status yesterday about having to go to the ER with the boy… well I’m going to take you through the course of events as they happened yesterday. I will warn you now though that this is a story about the boy’s penis and it does get kind of nasty. So if you’re squeamish then just go read an older post now. But if you want to know the story, keep reading…ok here goes:

I get home from work and commence helping the boy with his homework. As we’re working he asks if he can get up and use the bathroom. Within minutes he comes running out saying that it hurt when he tried to pee. So I looked at his penis and saw that there was some kind of cut on the side of it. So now I’m interrogating him… “what happened to your penis” “has anyone touched your penis with their hand or anything else” etc. He tells me that no one has touched him there, but some little boy did kick him in the wang earlier that day and he then punched the boy in his chest and the teacher simply made them both change their color for the day (for those of you unfamiliar the school uses a color system for behavior, green means good, yellow means “I may have punched or kicked someone in the nuts”, red super extra bad). So I’m sitting there baffled b/c he didn’t go to the nurse and he hasn’t been complaining about the penis before now and for the kick to do damage to a penis it has to be one hell of a kick. So I’m confused. So I go upstairs to try and clean it off and put some Neosporin on it when I realize that the head if his penis is like split open on one side and there is a laceration on the other side with white stuff coming out. I officially freak and decide to just take him to the hospital.

On the ride to the hosp I’m trying to remain calm, but I’m thinking either this boy sat there and kicked the shite out of my son, in which case its only fair that I go and kick the shite out of him and all of the bastard azz teachers that didn’t adequately respond to the situation or someone has been playing with the boy’s wang in which case I might get arrested for first degree murder…Its times like these where having a second parent to lean on would be helpful. Anyway…we get to the hospital and I have to deal with telling 3 different ppl what’s going on with my son’s penis and them all first giving me the “what the feck” look, then asking me 500 questions about what happened…all the same questions I had asked him and we were all still confused about it.

We get to a room in the ER and the doc comes back to look at the penis. I tell him the story the boy told me, but I tell him I think there is more b/c of what the penis looks like. He agrees and says the splits on his penis aren’t consistent with a kick there must be something else. So he looks at it and starts squeezing it. On the side of the penis that has the white stuff he frowns his head and goes in closer…then he says “that looks like yeast”. After a few more looks and squeezes he says that the boy has an infection in his penis. He then gets a q-tip and says he has to get the yeast out of the slit in the boy’s penis…mind you the boy is freaking out and in pain at this point. So he takes the q-tip and starts to dig the yeast out of my child’s exposed penis flesh…My baby screamed…no it wasn’t a scream it was more of a holler…it was deep and bassy and gritty…I’ve never heard my baby sound like this before. It was so loud folks told me they heard him in the waiting room…seriously. And he had tears running down his face. I was holding him and telling him to squeeze my hand to try and help take some of the pain away. I feel like the dr (as a fellow man) should have tried to numb the boys wang or something before just going in like that. It was just so disrespectful to my child and his wang. I can imagine how you might feel reading about his, but I swear I was in pain watching both the exposed penis/yeast/flesh scene and seeing and hearing my child in such pain. I’m squirming as I type this.

When it was all said and done the doc explained that what he thinks happened is that when the boy got circumcised they didn’t cut away enough foreskin, so as his wang has gotten bigger it caused the skin under this foreskin to split and get infected…this is where the yeast came in and it grew in this little pocket on the side of the head of his penis. He concluded that when the boy got kicked in the wang the impact caused enough pressure to basically pop open this piece of foreskin and expose the infection…He prescribed some antibiotic cream and Neosporin twice a day for the next 10 days and the boy’s wang should be back to normal and now that this misc piece of foreskin is gone he won’t need anything else done to his penis. Can you believe this shite!

To top it off, that night when we finally got home I had to clean the penis and put some of the cream on…well the boy was still in pain, so I’m kneeled b/t his legs with a wash cloth and some cream wiping my son’s wang while he’s saying “oh mommy it burns can you blow on it…blow on it please it burns”. I realize how innocent it was for him, but as an adult woman can you picture the hilarity and inappropriateness of me being in between my child’s legs with him telling me to blow in his penis is? I promise you crap like this ONLY happens to me … and I couldn’t make it up if I tried. This is my life as a grown up…smh

And yes I do plan on going up to the school and digging in the shite of the teacher that let my child get kicked in the wang and did nothing about it. And I’m going to find the little boy too...damn son’s of Ham!

So...

2010-10-12T14:23:00.000-04:00

Hey ya'll...I know I've been mia for like 2 weeks. That's mostly b/c nothing new or super interesting is going on in my life. Everything is the same old same. Wait that's not true there are some interesting happenings:

It seems I have an affinity for this whole cake making thing. I made an awesome one for baby girl's birthday party and now a good friend has asked me to make the cake for her girls' party. I'm excited about doing it too. I already went and got all the materials and I have a cool idea for what to do since she has 2 girls and 2 huge princess cakes would be a bit much. Its going to look awesome!
Baby girl is taking to the whole potty training thing pretty well. I put her on there every morning as soon as she wakes up and she stays on until she goes. And then we sing the "yay lana went potty" song...Yes I'm a mother that has a potty song, don't judge me...now I'm just working on teaching her the sign for potty so she can start doing that when she has to go. So far so good though.
Speaking of the girl, her father is apparently an entrepreneur. He apparently put an album out earlier this year and he's working on his next one...Isn't that just freaking awesome! I hope they get picked up by some major record company and he gets some ungodly signing bonus and a contract to make a few more albums...and I hope every subsequent album goes double, triple, quadruple platinum. Yay him...#thatisall
Again speaking of baby girl...she totally isn't happy with this whole weaning from the boob thing. I've stopped pumping and I've been giving her regular milk, but she doesn't seem to like it. She will drink it during the day at the sitter, but in the evening when I try to give her regular milk she revolts and tries to attack my boob. She will refuse to drink it on the weekends and will also refuse any other food. so we end up having a stand off for hours. She will eventually drink a few sips of regular milk to ward off the hunger pangs I'm sure she's feeling, but she again goes for the boob. All this time I was worried I wouldn't be able to let go of the nursing, but she is the one that isn't none to happy with this process. I've managed to cut it down to only two feedings per day one right before bedtime and one in the morning...I'm hoping to take it down to just one in the next few weeks. We'll see what happens.

Ok well I think that's it for now. Happy Tuesday

My week part 3: Everything else...

2010-09-29T12:18:00.003-04:00

Ok so in addition to the party mess, my week has had all kinds of other craziness in it. First of all work is hella crazy and busy. It’s like everything that is going to happen happens all at once. My days have been sick. Worked a 12 hour day yesterday and had to come in on my telework day. But it will be alright though, hopefully I can get some rest this weekend.

On top of that everything in my house has decided to break at the same time. My A/C started leaking (I have no idea when) but I realized it on Saturday morning when I went in to set up for Lana’s party. My carpet was soaked (not all of it, but a nice big section in the middle) so I had to do the whole party in my living/dining room area. Which turned out fine, but there would have been way more space in the basement. Then to top it off, my washing machine is also broken. It is also leaking water from somewhere and doesn’t do the spin cycle. So I’ve spent the last few days trying to make sure all the water was up and dry so I don’t get mold/mildew in my basement b/c that’s a problem that I really don’t need in my life. Oh yeah and my garbage disposal is messing up and needs to be replaced. Its all good though b/c I can just go to the money tree that I have growing in my back yard and pull off all the dollars necessary to get all this crap fixed…

One thing I will say though is when it comes to my life the craziness comes in big unnecessary spurts, which are followed by long periods of calm. So I’ve had a decent period of calm and now crap is getting crazy. I just need to get through this period (which I hope I’m nearly at the end of) and things will be all good again *fingers crossed and praying*

My week part 2: Confused face :o?

2010-09-29T12:08:00.000-04:00

So I’ve talked about the great side of my baby’s party…now its time for that bullshite. So its 1pm, I’m in the kitchen working on baby girl’s cake…I’m also looking out for lb b/c he said he would be at the house by 1pm to help set up…finally around 1:30pm I see his car pull up…but strangely he’s not alone. Some little statutory looking chick gets out of the car with him. Now when this happens I immediately know that it’s not his most recent girlfriend that was supposed to be moving in with him earlier this year (I know they broke up even though he hasn’t said anything). So my logical mind is thinking “I know this nig wouldn’t bring some random chick in my house, so she must be a relative or something”. So this loser nig comes in the house and says “hey Sheria, this is Lauren, Laruen this is Sheria”. So I say hi and shake her hand. Then I stood there looking for the rest of her title like “Lauren my cousin, Lauren my niece, Laruen the foster child my parents took in” but none of that came out. He just went and grabbed Lana. Then they commenced to decorating the house…It was clear this girl knew my daughter so I was very puzzled.

The first feelings that came over me were all of rage and anger, but I wanted to make sure I wasn’t crazy so I sent a message to my cousin and called my friend telling her to get her arse to the house now. I thought I was crazy b/c something like this wasn’t really happening in my house. Interestingly enough talking to my cuz didn’t exactly calm me down (well maybe a little I went from “rage” to “complete pisstivity” which is technically a downgrade in emotion, so I guess you can say she did calm me down). I went back downstairs to talk to lb and the convo went a little like this:

Me: So is your fiancé coming
LB: *stupid face* nah she won’t be coming around at all
Me: So who is that?
LB: That’s Lauren
Me: Lauren your girlfriend?
LB: No just Lauren
Me: Lauren the girl you’re messing with?
LB: No, *government name* just Lauren
Me: Really *bastard* are you really doing this?
LB: Doing what?
Me: Are you really doing this right now? *pointing to misc woman milling around my living room*
LB: Don’t do this right now *walks away from me*

Shortly after my friend arrives and begins to run interference for me b/c I wanted to kick them both out…I mean he really didn’t have to be there and she really didn’t need to be…So lb sees that I’m upset and starts trying to be all extra nice…me unresponsive and still communicating through above mentioned friend. Him and the statutory looking little girl end up leaving to pick up a few more things for the party and end up being gone for line an hour (I was hoping he had taken her home, but she was still with him when he came back). While they were gone all the guest started to arrive and the “good part of the party” begins to take place. I still gave him minimal communication.

The chick was clearly uncomfortable b/c I’m sure my feelings toward the situation were more than clear…she had actually ended up getting baby girl a gift, but by the gift opening portion of the party she was off hiding somewhere.

So just to be clear about all this. I’m not mad that he’s seeing some chick…I’m not even necessarily mad that he brought her to the party (although I personally think misc people shouldn’t be involved in significant family events unless they are really serious and she couldn’t have been around long enough to be serious). My problem is that you don’t bring a random chick into my house without at least talking to me about it first. I didn’t have random nigs showing up at the party with gifts for his daughter! It was disrespectful and rude.

There may be an update to his post b/c I’ve let lb know my feelings via e mail…I tried to be nice about it, but those of you that know me know how my e mails are, so we’ll see what he has to say.

To be cont…

My week part 1: The good side of the party!

2010-09-29T11:39:00.002-04:00

Ok so it’s been a while since my last post and much has happened, so I think its best to break my thoughts up into a couple of blogs instead of loading everything into one. Consider this post “My week part 1: The good side of the party”

My baby girl’s first birthday was this past Sunday (the 26th) so I threw a big party for her at my house that Saturday. I invited my friends and family to the shindig and allowed her father to do the same (I’m not sure if I’ve previously given baby girl’s dad an official name, but I think its time to do so. He is the loser bastard…lb, bastard, or loser for short. So when you see that in the blogs know that I am referring to him…that is all). I also tried my hand at making my baby her very own princess cake (you know I’m always finding some crazy project or something to do). Well things went great at the party. Her princess cake came out wonderfully! I mean it was absolutely perfect, I was quite impressed with myself to be honest. Both sides of the family and friends mingled and laughed and had a good time. Baby girl got gifts out of the wahzoo, plenty of adorable clothes for fall. I’m going to have so much fun dressing her up and taking pictures , but I will also need to step my fashion game up so I can keep up with her…lol. She also got some great books…I think my favorite was the “Whose toes are those” book…it’s the cutest thing ever!

Highlights of the party:

- The first highlight came when we were singing happy birthday to my girl. Lb was holding her. I wanted to get her to do the famous cake grab, so I told lb to lean her toward the cake. The boy had been charged with blowing the candle out for her since I knew she couldn’t do that herself. Well when we finished singing happy birthday, baby girl ended up grabbing at the flame of the candle instead of the cake. Everyone on the room gasped loud and baby girl started screaming. I held her and calmed her down. She didn’t hurt herself though. I think it scared her more than anything else. Luckily no one got that on camera…lol

- The next highlight was when my father nearly massacred lb (which I really may not have minded) when he tried to move my coffee table out of the way so we could open presents. My table has a bottom shelf like piece that just lays on these little pegs for stability. So when he lifted the table up and turned it to the side, this shelf piece went falling off the table, close (but not close enough) to the head of lb. It made a loud noise, but didn’t cause any real damage…(un) Fortunately.

All in all it was a great party and I’m very blessed to have so many people that love and care about my baby girl. It’s amazing how she really has no idea what all the big fuss was about. But I know and it meant a lot to me.

OMG I'm getting old

2010-09-20T22:10:00.000-04:00

So I just have to say my whole body is super sore today. On Saturday I was over my friends house "working out". She has a pole so we were doing the whole strip fitness thing, she was teaching me what she knew, then we were on youtube trying out other tricks. All was going well and we were getting some good work in. Then she has the bright idea to try some other crazy trick on the pole where you flip upside down...Now understand we had done some moves prior to this and I was able to do prances and half brackets to although this move was challenging, it wasn't far fetched...but it didn't quite go right. So here is the move I was trying to do:

I only wanted to do the first part where she hooked her leg onto the pole and held it, I wasn't trying to do the whole climb up the pole thing. I should have known it was going to be a problem when my friend tried it and couldn't even get her legs up and she fell on the floor. But I tried it anyway...smh. So I swung my legs up, and they went up, but sadly my one leg that I was trying to hook onto the pole completely missed the pole and I ended up flipping all the way over...yeah I'm serious! Fell on the floor and hurt my whole left side. It didn't hurt much that day, but I told my friend "tomorrow I'm going to be in pain". Well its Monday and my whole body is still sore from all that pole working, especially my left side that got the brunt of my very very sexy flip and fall move :o)

Interestingly enough though I really like the whole pole dancing work out, it literally works all of your muscles. I've considered before getting a pole for my house but there are just so many implications to that. The first being I have kids, I can't have them seeing the pole and playing on it thinking its a toy or something...that's not right. Especially baby girl, she has a little dance she does where she just bends her knees and bounces...now imagine her holding onto a pole while she did that...that would put me in the world book of bad parenting and I'm not trying to go that route. So maybe I'll just keep going over my friends house to use her pole. I'll just try not to fall and hurt my whole left side again, but you know what they say "no pain no gain".

Really? blank stare Really?

2010-09-18T11:32:00.001-04:00

So last night I got hit with some really uncomfortable stuff. In order to explain this story for those that don't know my history I have to give a little bit of background so here goes, I'll try to be brief:

Many moons ago when I was with the boy's father (whom I refer to as "the bastard") he had a bf that hung around a lot. Me and the bf were cool and always got along well, he ended up dating this girl and she and I became friends. So the 4 of us would hang and do stuff together, real nice. The day the bastard beat me down, it was his bf that pulled him off of me so that I could get away. Since that day almost 7 years ago I haven't seen him. I did keep up with his girlfriend a bit, but we eventually lost contact until about two years ago when I met her sister and we've kept up with each other since then. I found out that she was still dealing with the bf. Then the bf found me on facebook and started keeping up with me there. He asked about the boy and asked if at some point he could come by and see him since it had been so long. I was cool with that, we just had yet to actually plan something. But we've still kept up with each other for the past few months.

Now lets fast forward to last night. It was about 11:30 and i had just finished hanging out with a friend of mine. I was super hungry and posted such on FB. He responded and said he was too. So I suggested we go get some food. Now maybe I'm naive, but all this is still totally innocent in my mind. We ended up going to the Silver diner...the issues started when we got a booth and instead of sitting across from me, he comes over an sits next to me...in my mind I'm thinking "aww hell". So then he commences to tell me how beautiful and sexy I am. Now mind you I am the chick that was boning his friend for 3 years and who is cool with the girlfriend he's been on and off with for 10 effing years. Anyway he's telling me how sexy I am, asking me why I'm not married yet (and I effing hate that question btw). So I tell him the abbreviated version of my inability to find a decent guy...then this nig says "from what it sounds like the type of woman you are is perfect for a guy like me". So now I'm thinking "aww double hell". He goes on to basically tell me that he's always liked me and he thinks we should date! He said he wants to spend more time with me and eventually be like my boyfriend, and get my hot pocket...Seriously ya'll couldn't make this up if I wanted to. So in effort to keep this post from being super long I'm going to leave out a lot of the inappropriateness, but I have to tell you one hilarious thing this nig said as we were eating. He told me after professing his like for me, that he had the feeling I was some crazy lover in bed (one of the interesting problems with him being bfs with someone I used to give the hot pocket to) so later when we're eating he takes a bite of his food and I asked him "is it good" and he responds "oh yes, its amazing, kind of how I imagine it will be the first time I taste you...amazing". I just put my head down on the table and said "oye vey"

So at this point I'm sitting at the table with a look of bewilderment on my face b/c I was the one that suggested we go get something to eat...I did not realize this could happen. Isn't there some kind of man code that says I will not try and get at my bfs "baby mama's" hot pocket at some crazy hour of the morning in the Silver Diner. Its just not right. The bf notices the look on my face and keeps asking me what I'm thinking and all I could says was "i really wasn't prepared for this and I'm just trying to process the situation". Then he says I've thought about it and I really don't see any cons to the situation. So I ask him, do you still talk to the bastard... And yes he does. Apparently he goes up to his job on Saturdays (you know he didn't tell me where said job was) and that they text each other all the time...wtf, but he follows up with "but he doesn't need to know all my business". So I then ask him about his on again off again girlfriend for the past 10 years and he tells me they just went off again like two weeks ago, but she's already dating other ppl so he's sure its over this time. So I just gave him the *really negro* look. Not only is it completely inappropriate for you to be talking to me like this, you also want me to be your rebound chick?

So now I'm finished eating and I've told him a couple different ways that this is just not going to work. I'm trying to remember the French way to say "hell no I won't go". Don't ask me why I was thinking of this, for some reason I felt like if I said those words to him (in french of course) that would make some kind of profound difference or he would be so confused he would just stop. But I couldn't remember the proper conjugation of the verb "aller" which is "to go" in french. I also couldn't remember how to say "hell" which was the second most important word in the phrase, so I just gave up. He's sitting beside me in the booth and I've given up speaking. I'm staring out the window looking bewildered, like a little kid that just lost their puppy or something...no, like a little kid who's puppy just asked for their hot pocket! I tell him I'm tired and we should probably go home. Do you know this heathen says "well if your tired, my house is closer you can stay there and just leave when I go to work in the morning". So I say "Really? *long pause* Really? *are you crazy negro stare* Nah I'm good". I'm really hoping he was drunk or high or something last night and when he wakes up this will all go away, but I have a feeling that won't be the case...smdh

Then to top off the entire night on the way home I get drunk dialed from this dude I used to talk to, telling me how he doesn't want to sleep alone...#epic fail

My Prayer for My Kids

2010-09-15T21:43:00.000-04:00

Lord, thank you for entrusting me with two of your most precious creations. They have blessed my life in so many inexplicable ways. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to be there mother and to play a part in helping them fulfill their destiny. I pray that you give me the wisdom and strength to instruct their lives properly. Help me to be firm when firmness is necessary and to be nurturing when a loving hand is what they need. Give me a discerning mind to know when my children are trying to manipulate me. Give me the energy to be fun and light-hearted with them, never being too busy to put aside personal consciousness and just laugh, play, and be in the moment with them. Help me to be a positive example to them in every way, a mother they can not only depend on, but also be proud of.

I pray that my children always know and understand their worth. That they are unique and wonderful creations that are loved beyond measure. Help them to look internally for their strength and belonging, not to outside things or people. I pray that their lack of a consistent father figure not overshadow the care and concern of me and all those that are present in their lives. I also pray that my son does not harbor anger or hostility towards his dad. Help him to learn to let you fight his battles and reconcile any wrong done to him by others. I pray especially for my son that you provide strong male role models in his life that can show him all the intricacies of being a man...things he is unable to get from me.

I pray that they have good health, that they hold on to their childhood innocence as long as possible, that they remain happy positive children who become happy positive adults. And I pray that they always know that their mother loves them more than any amount of words could begin to explain...Amen

WTF Ya'll?

2010-09-09T21:13:00.000-04:00

Ok so this is just baffling to me. Why the heck are all these marred or relationshiped men (yes I said relationshiped b/c it just seemed to flow well in the sentence, i know its not a word...just go with it) keep trying to talk to me. I really don't understand it. The first thing came when this guy tries to talk to me on FB asking me if I'm single...blatantly saying he was single too. He lives in VA and is in the military so I had mentioned my cuz' man has those same details...dude is all like "oh yeah well when your cuz comes down to you can roll with her and we can double date". Now I really wasn't interested in this dude b/c he's just visually unpleasant, but the next day I spoke to my friend that knows him and she warned me that he was married...So my first questions was "like married married?" and she says YES. So although I wasn't interested I was blown by the principle of it all.

So then there is this dude at my job that I'm cool with. He and I are just friends, but he had kinda given the hint that he might be interested in me. We either go for breakfast or lunch like everyday and talk about everything. We've also had the relationship status conversation where I told him I was very happily single and enjoying it. He said he was the same way...then I happen to check out his FB page and he is in a relationship with some chick. I mean not only does his status says "in a relationship" he has the chick on there with a link to her page too...In this case I just can't understand for the life of me why he never thought to mention he had a girlfriend, especially as much as we talk...smh

And then (yes there is more) this dude I used to go to high school with that is very married keeps bbming me asking when we are going to "get together". So I keep responding "I'll let you know when I'm having my next party so you and YOUR WIFE can come through"...of course that's not the kind of getting together he's interested in though...smh

There are a few more less interesting stories about men trying to talk to me even though they had a girlfriend and one dude was bold enough to approach me with the ring right there on his finger...smdh

What I don't understand is how and why the heck do these attached men keep coming after me? Do I have "jump off" scribbled somewhere on me? For some reason I am a huge magnet for unavailable men and I don't understand what I'm doing to bring this kind of energy my way. Its super effing annoying. I'd rather not be bothered by a guy at all than to have to ward off the advances of someone else's man.

Baby Girl

2010-09-08T21:46:00.000-04:00

OMG my baby girl is growing up way too fast! She is totally walking which is awesome. She now has the sign for "sleepy" down. So we're two signs in. I know that doesn't sound like much, but to me it means she's a genius in training...lol. She has learned to point. She can say the words "yes" and "no" (although it sounds like "nien" which is "no" in German so technically she's bilingual and she's not even trying...totally a genius in training). And she can say "nose" she just learned that word, now I'm just trying to get her to say it while actually pointing to her nose (or my nose...or any nose for that matter as long as she gets it).

I have determined that she is ready to start potty training. We've discovered that she now goes out of the room or into a corner when she has to poop...then she comes back wanting to be changed. So clearly she knows when she has to go, which means its time to sit her on the pot. We're also trying to teach her the sign for potty so she can tell us when to put her on the pot. She even walks out of the room to fart...such a little lady that baby girl! a huge change from earlier in her babyhood when she would just let the gas rip anywhere...lol.

It will soon be time for me to stop nursing her and I'm totally not ready...I know that sounds crazy... although I'm completely over the whole pumping thing, the actual nursing I'm not ready to stop, its like our own bonding time and i feel like I won't have that with her anymore. Don't worry I'm not that mom that will have my 5 year old walking up to me saying "hey mom give me that boob" its just going to be difficult to wean my baby girl, that's all. it will be nice to have my breast back though...

My Life

2010-09-08T21:34:00.000-04:00

So I have a whole lot of nothing going on right now...seriously. I'm terribly unimpressed with men on the whole right now and honestly seeing the issues that many of my sistergurls are going through with their respective negros i'm kinda good at the moment. What I'd really like right now is a really fun and romantic fling with an European man. Maybe a Brit like Idris Elba, or a sexy Italian, or a handsome Spaniard that whispers sweet nothings in my ear...idk...I really just want someone that makes me want to put forth some effort...no one in my current line up does that for me :o( I mean i'm chilling by myself though. I've really grown comfortable with my singleness, but every once in a while I actually wish I had a man around. Blah

I've started planning baby girl's birthday. Interestingly the girl's father seems to have tried to cut out a lot of his former friends...mutual friends of ours. I'm not sure why b/c they never did anything to him and he and I don't talk enough for me to ask...maybe he thinks they are more my friends now than his? but I have invited them to our celebration, so tough nuggets. I think he just has issues...

No news about the boys school yet, but my awesome cousin and her husband helped me out tremendously by offering to pick the boy up from school while it all got worked out. That was super awesome of them. I actually got offers from a few friends to help out with the whole thing. It really warmed my heart. I know I have good friends, that's never a question. But to have people care enough to offer to be there for you when you really need help is a great feeling. I'm used to being depended on, but I'm not at all used to depending on others. So thank you to my very considerate and thoughtful friends and family! You guys rock the casba!

Disclaimer for first time readers

2010-08-23T20:43:00.000-04:00

If this is your first time reading my blog, I should warn you the the few post that follow this one are a bit hostile. This is not how I normally am. I'm usually funny, mildly sarcastic, but relatively nice and sweet. But I have my moments (pretty rare I think) where I get worked up and this is one of those times. So if you are new here then you should probably just skip to the Miami blogs those are friendly and every thing before that is cool. But if you like hostile go on and read away...just don't judge me. That's the biggest rule of my blog, you are not allowed to judge.

Thank you for reading :o)

You're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you

2010-08-23T20:36:00.000-04:00

So have you ever had one of those friends that just always always always always always talks about themselves or more specifically always has some kind of fecking drama in their life that they want to call up and unleash on you. Listen as a friend I totally understand when my friends go through stuff, when they need an ear or a shoulder and i'm more than happy to offer that. But when you have drama every single minute of every single fecking day of every fecking year of your fecking life I'd say there was an issue. You know that person that complains about everything. Like If they couldn't breathe they would complain about how shitty it is not to be able to breathe, but then when they could breathe again would complain that the air is too fecking cold and making their lungs chilly or something stupid like that. That's the kind of friend I'm talking about.

Now I've been their for this friend through all of their shite, I've listened. I've tried my best to support them no matter how much I've felt they brought their drama on themselves. But the last few days I've been in a shitty mood b/c my son is going to school with bay bay's children and my work schedule is about to be fecked...valid frustrations. But this person doesn't even listen to me talk about the recent developments in my school administration nightmare, they just can't wait to talk about more of their bullshite with their suckey life, suckey job, and suckey relationship. Well you know what feck you and feck all your drama...if I stop answering my phone when you call then you will probably KNOW this blog is about you!

That Bullshite Part 2

2010-08-23T20:21:00.000-04:00

So today was the first day of school. I take my child to the school across the street from me (which i didn't want him to go to b/c the same heathens that tried to steal his scooter earlier this year probably go there too). First of all the little heifer in the office kept talking to me like I'm a hoodrat like her. I gave her the deed for my house as proof of residence and she looks and says "i need your lease or rental agreement". I politely told her I don't rent, I own, and that is the deed to the house, to which she replied "this is YOUR deed". Now in my mind I was thinking "bitch isn't that what the feck I said" but I'm trying not to curse, so I simply said "yes ma'am, that is MY deed to MY house". She looks it over and give me a bunch of papers to fill out. I kindly let her know I've already filled them all out and his packet is ready to go. She takes the paper work and makes a comment about how much better it is when parents register their kids early and not on the first day of school. I chose not to respond to her snarky comment b/c with the mood I was in, I quite likely would have unleashed such a verbal thrashing security would have been called and I don't need that in my life...not in front of the kids. So I get through the registration process with the heifer and the boy goes to his class.

After making sure the boy was settled in class I went back to the office to take care of some other details like making sure he can access his lunch account and what the transportation would be. They basically tell me they don't know when they will be able to access the money on his lunch account and I just needed to bring him cash everyday in the mean time. Then they tell me he isn't eligible for any kind of transportation. He either has to walk to school or get picked up. The heifer's exact words were "aint no bus gon come get him, he gon have to walk, you aint got nobody to come pick him up". Well first of all he's 7 and there is no way he's walking there by himself, especially when there is no one home in my house during the day. So I again go up to the school board to try and figure this out and they give me even more run around. I have to go back to the school that said they were full, get a written denial from them and send it to the board so they can evaluate the case and consider putting him in that school. This process takes anywhere from 5 to 15 days. In which time I have to figure out a way to drop my child off at 7:45 and pick him up by 2pm...Like I don't have a fecking job to go to. The school doesn't have before and aftercare so that's not an option. And the one day care center down the street that has a van is already full so they can't accept him. Not to mention that if he goes to another before and after care place I will be spending around $1100 or $1200 a month just in child care...I guess I'm supposed to get just pull that off of the money tree I have growing in my back yard though so no big deal there.

So for now I'm going to have to ask my supervisor if I can work a half day schedule where I either work part of the day in the office and telework the other half or take leave for half the day until this appeal process is done. Which is supreme bullshite considering I have a lot of work to do for a big conference coming up soon a conference for the council I run and therefore have to coordinate and facilitate. Yeah, so I'm pretty pissed. I know the situation is going to workout some kind of way, but right now its not looking fun, or feasible for me. I'm not sure how long my boss will go for this half day shite and I have no idea how things are going to go with this appeal...I have to send my kid to school, but I also have to work for a living or we won't have any boundary problems b/c we won't have a place to live...

Today was another suckey day...Hopefully tomorrow is better.

That Bullshite Part 1

2010-08-23T19:56:00.000-04:00

OK so I am currently pissed to my highest level of pisstivity! I'm having super extra major issues with the boy's school. I am not a huge fan of my county's public school system. So each year I make the extra effort of trying to get my child into a charter or specialty school. The past two years he has gone to a charter school that just simply was not a good fit. The students spent the entire day in their classroom with only an occasional 30 min recess outside (if they got recess at all) and PE only every other week. This was a recipe for disaster for my son b/c he needs to have some active time. They also offered no extra curricular activities, no music or band, no school plays, no additional incentives to spark my child's interest. So back in Feb I applied to this Performing Arts Academy for the boy. He's into that kind of stuff and the school is supposed to be really good. I got a notice late spring saying he was number 6 on the waiting list. So literally last week I got his acceptance notice. I did all the stuff I needed to do to withdraw him from his old school and get him registered for the new one.

Now for the drama. Thursday I went to orientation for the new school, this is when I found out that my address is not in the correct boundary for him to go to this school. Mind you, this is the Thursday before school starts on Monday. Nothing gets accomplished on Thursday. So Friday I go back and forth with the school board and the school trying to figure out what to do with my child since as of now he has no school to go to. So they basically tell me that he can't go to the performing arts school he got accepted into and he can't go to the performing arts school in his boundary b/c of my new address...Mind you I changed my address back in 2009 when I moved, but apparently the school secretary never put the information into the system. And even though I applied to the school using my new address (which I had proof of b/c i printed out my confirmation) they say I somehow should have known they were using my old address and therefore should have called sooner to correct it (b/c clearly my name is Cleo) and b/c I didn't there is nothing they can do for me...bullshite

At this point I have no choice but to register him at a public school (no I couldn't send him back to the old school b/c once you withdraw your child they are automatically taken out of the charter school system and have to do the application process all over again to get in, and by Friday they had already given his spot away to one of the 117 children on their waiting list). There it is late Friday morning and my child has no school to go to, so I tried to get him into the school near the daycare provider for the kids...she says ok, bring me all your paper work and we'll get him registered. So I leave work early (even though I had/have a ton of crap to do) go to the old school and get all his paper work, drive to the new school with all the paper work (all in Friday rush hour traffic mind you), get him all registered and arrange for the bus to pick him up. I met the PTA president spoke with her, paid my membership dues for the year, I was actually helping the office staff get things arranged for Monday while they got all the registration stuff done (yes i'm that parent)...Life is good. Its now about 5:45 and I'm on my way to pick the kids up. I get a call from the school I just registered the boy at saying "Ms. Washington, we have a problem, I need you to come back.). So now I'm freaked out. I go back to the school and the principal tells me she actually can't register my son b/c her second grade classes are already full and she's really sorry for the inconvenience. Its now 6:15 on Friday afternoon. All the school offices are closed until Monday...the first day of school and my child has no where to go.

Miami: Part 2- The Food!

2010-08-23T18:46:00.000-04:00

So I decided to do a separate post all about food ( I know I’m such a fatty at heart). But I can’t talk about Miami without talking about food (in fact I can’t talk about any vacation without talking about food b/c that is one of the joys of vacationing). I'm going to highlight just a few of the places that made me happy this trip.

My first experience was right after getting settled into the hotel. I asked one of the local employees at Fat Tuesdays where a good place to get seafood was. She recommended two places. On was called Monty's which was right on the pier, and the other this Peruvian spot called Jaguar's. So we went with Monty's first. I'm thinking this is Miami, this place is right on the water, the seafood must be AWESOME...OMG I was so wrong. So I looked over their menu and it was overpriced, but that was expected. But even more disturbing I couldn't find anything I wanted to eat. So I decided to start out with an appetizer. I ordered the shecrab soup. Simple and yummy right...so wrong. The soup was luke warm, lumpy, way too sweet, and I had a hard time finding any crab at all. Instead I found lumps of moistened flour and those of you that know me know how I feel about textures. I was outdone! I was so turned off by the food at Monty's that I just left and lost my appetite for the rest of the day.

The next notable dining experience happened around 3am Saturday morning. Like I said before, the nasty shecrab soup really did me in, so by the time 3am rolled around I was ravenous. We ended up at this restaurant/club called Oceans Ten on the strip to my surprise they still had their full menu available. I ordered the 8 oz rock lobster with garlic mashed pots and seasoned veggies. OMG this was the bestest meal ever. Now I was starving like supermodel during fashion week at this point so it wouldn't have taken much to make me happy, but they more than delivered. The lobster was broiled perfectly served with melted butter. The pots were light and fluffy with just the right amount of garlic so that it wasn't overpowering. The veggies were delectable. I was in food heaven. I may have even moaned a little as I ate...don't judge me it was that good! And after eating all that, i just stood up and danced the night away! That's is how clubbing should be!

The next place worth mentioning was Jaguar in Coconut Grove. This is a small Peruvian spot that wasn't far from my hotel. They had a very reasonably priced late weekend brunch. I ordered the Oaxaca Omelet...a lovely combination of mushrooms, bacon, spinach, and cheese served with seasoned potatoes, peppers, and onions. This was absolutely delicious, it was also seasoned with some cilantro and I believe a hint of garlic. Another delicious meal. They serve super fresh orange juice...I mean its like they literally squeeze an orange into your glass. Quite Yummy. The second time I went there I tried their Jaguar Angus Cheeseburger that came with chorizo, chipotle ketchup, and fried yuca. Another delicious and very filling meal. At one point I had ketchup dribbling down my chin. This is something the two business men at the table across from me found very amusing. But I didn't care... I was in MIAMI TRICK!

Then there was one of my favorite all time restaurants. Emeril's South Beach!!! I love this place, the location, atmosphere, food...its all perfect in my opinion so visiting again was a must. This time, however, I went for brunch instead of dinner and of course they still delivered. For my appetizer I had the New Orleans BBQ Shrimp with a petite rosemary biscuit. This was simply delicious. The bbq sauce was far more rustic and closer to gravy than a normal bbq sauce, perfect for dipping the biscuit. As an entree I had the french toast with an orange cinnamon butter, maple syrup and fresh berries. This was just perfection, especially the butter. It added an nice citrusy kick to the toast. Yum. In between portions they served coffee cake and mini chocolate chip muffins. I'm not big on chocolate chips, but this one was great. The coffee cake was perfectly moist and sweet. I wanted to ask for more, but I was already searching for room for dessert...and i'm glad I did. Dessert was peaches and cream cheesecake. It was light, fluffy, and perfectly flavored, and nott too thick. There were actual chunks of peaches in the cake. I was in heaven. This is another time when I think I was actually moaning as I ate...along with doing my happy food dance...don't judge me!

These were certainly the highlights of my dining experience. Although I should also note I did have a really good pizza at Nikki Beach. Simple pepperoni, cooked to perfection, thin chewy crust, stringy cheese, quite yummy. Great eats for my trip!

Miami: Part 1

2010-08-20T13:57:00.002-04:00

So Miami…the trip was great. I had a wonderful time. It was an extended weekend, but I could have easily stayed there much longer. To sum it all up I ate, drank, partied, ate some more, flirted with men with accents, waded in the ocean, and ate some more. It was great. I know that sounds pretty vague, but that really does sum up the whole vacation. I purposely did not put a lot of thought into any particular thing. I wanted to go and clear my mind, not fill it with other stuff. It was a wonderful experience. I would love to go back b/c there are many more things I’d like to do.

I did do a bit of touristy stuff. We visited the Vizcaya Museum and Gardens. This place is uber beautiful. The mansion itself has like 10 bedrooms, all but one of which were guest rooms. Each room had a different style and feel to it. It was built in the early 1900s, but came equipped with things like an elevator, dumbwaiter, and telephone room. All these things were quite novel for their time and hardly common place. The decorations were so intricate, tapestry imported from Europe, gold moldings, colors reflective of East Asia, its like he brought a piece of each continent into this house. I highly recommend you stop by if ever you are in Miami.

I went jet skiing. I’ve actually done this a few times before, but its always fun. This time was special however b/c we were out in the ocean as a storm approached. Now I actually like watching the storms come through. Last time I was in Miami we had a hotel that overlooked the Biscayne Bay. This particular day we looked out over the bay and you could see the dark clouds forming, you could see the lightening striking down, you could see the entire storm in all of its scariness coming towards you. It was beautifully fascinating. This time was similar, but a little unnerving since I was out in the ocean on a jet ski and all. But it was still fun, even as the wind turned cold, the waves got bigger and choppier, and you began to feel little droplets of rain hit your arm. The guide assured us we were safe and we would turn in if it got too bad. I saw lightning flashing in the sky, but it was still off in the distance so that was helpful. It was a great time…Gliding over the waves, zooming out farther and farther form the shoreline… I loved it.

This trip was the first time I left baby girl for an extended period. Up until now she’d never been away from me for more than a night. I missed her horribly. I missed the boy too, but he’s different. The boy is far more study and savvy. He actually calls me a couple times a day to make sure I’m doing okay without him (yeah I’m serious). So I’m comfortable being away from him, although I miss him terribly too. While there I realized there are a lot of kid friendly activities in the area, I could totally come back to Miami for a kids vacation. With jungle island, alligator jungle, butterfly world, and tours of the everglades (mind you I don’t think any of the names I mentioned previously were the accurate names for these places, but they give you the general idea) we would have a great time there. Maybe I’ll put that on the “family trip” list.

Catching up

2010-08-20T10:32:00.002-04:00

OMG I have so much stuff to talk about I don't even know where to start. Nor do I think I have time to post it all, so i'm going to break the next few posts up into several postings so I don't overwhelm you with information...bare with me on this...

One of those moments

2010-08-10T10:42:00.000-04:00

This morning I was on my son's school website checking out his school supply list and it hit me. My son is going to the second grade. All of a sudden I had that "oh shite I am such a grown up" moment. You know what I mean right? One of those times you are sitting there doing something oh so adult and it just all hits you. You are no longer a carefree collegiate anymore. You are grown with responsibilities, and kids, and your own health insurance plan. Geez, I think sometimes these moments are magnified for me b/c they are not only marked with my personal milestones, but also the milestones of my children. I mean second grade is big stuff, my son is now a seasoned elementary school student! He read me and the girl a bedtime story last night, that's hot stuff right there. My baby girl is starting to walk, cutting teeth, and almost has the word "no" down! Pretty soon they will be graduating college and running for various public offices. In the midst of all this I still feel younger than I've ever felt (in a "i can do anything" kind of way) and have all kinds of things I want to go after. Adulthood (is that a word?) is an interesting thing. Trying to balance your needs/wants/ambition, helping your kids achieve their needs/wants/ambitions, and trying to find a Negro to share your needs/wants/ambitions with, sheesh. I need to check again b/c I'm sure there is an "S" etched on my chest somewhere...Getting my Superwoman swag on :o)

Happy Tuesday my lovelies!

Jesus Feet and his shenanigans

2010-08-03T10:59:00.000-04:00

I swear I need my own show b/c I hear the most random and crazy stuff from men. I wish I could share it all with you guys. I mean I can recount the situation in my own charming and descriptive way, but sometimes I just feel like you need to see it first hand to understand the coonery I see.

Yesterday I'm running into Target to pick up some things for dinner. On my way back to the car Jesus feet says to me "is that ring real or just fo sho". I responded with the confused look. Then he says "girl you got one mean arse walk, you should let me take you to dinner b/c I'd pay just to see it again". To this I responded by laughing heartily. I mean I got a really good laugh off that one. So Jesus feet proceeds to come walk behind me following me to my car.

Now before I go any farther with this story I'm going to try my best to give you a visual of this dude...stay with me here...he was about 5'10, the color of a snickers bar. he was husky, but not in a sexy way. He looked like that chubby thick neck kid from back in high school, just all grown up. His teeth were off white with a slight gap between the front two (a la Anthony Andersen). His hair was kind of like an old school fade with about 3/4 inches of a nap/curl on top and a diagonal part on the left side. He had on a old jersey, but not from a pro team, it was some home made "ray ray's football and waffles" type situation some jean shorts that came down to the middle of his calf and some tan sandals with full on Jesus feet (what are Jesus feet you ask...feet that look like he's been walking through dusty roads in nothing but those damn sandals and needs someone to anoint his feet with oil). Can you picture it...close your eyes and let all that sink in...ok now back to the story

So Jesus feet is now behind me following me to the car, I'm still laughing, but also getting my mace situated just in case he tries to run up on me. He asks me again if he could take me out to dinner. I kindly told him that my ring was real, I have someone and therefore cannot accept his dinner invitation. Do you know this Negro told me that he has a someone too, but he's not all that happy, so he wouldn't mind entertaining himself with my company...yes I'm serious he really did say that! Seriously! So I told him that I am happy and so very not interested, but "thank you for the compliment". He was still talking when I got in the car and pulled away. What is really good with Negro's these days?

Grown ups for real

2010-08-02T22:52:00.000-04:00

So this weekend was great, i got to spend time with both friends and family which I always enjoy. I also had a very sobering conversation with a really good friend of mine. I hadn't spoken to them in a while and we finally had a chance to catch up this weekend. They told me they had a pretty bad health scare and had been in the hospital for a while. As they were talking I felt oddly unsettled. I joke about being a grown up all the time, but the reality is I am. And so are my friends! I've realize a few truths about being a grown up 1) we are such adults right now. I mean seriously, it gets no realer than this...bills, kids, jobs, health insurance. Its crazy. 2) we are not invincible. The reality of life sets in more and more each year. I used to go speeding down the road without a care, now I look at the speedometer to keep from going to fast...thinking of the terrible accident that could occur should something go wrong. Its like this with everything, what used to be grown up issues are now our issues, cancer, infertility, high cholesterol, all that crap is all around us. And finally 3) time goes by faster each year. I blinked once and 10 years had gone by since hs graduation. I blinked and my son was seven, i blinked and my daughter was saying "ma ma" who knows what level of time will have elapsed with the next blink.

We, my friends are undeniably grown and we only get growner each year. No turning back, no do overs. So our only recourse is to live life accordingly. Live each day like you'll never get the chance to live it again...because you won't. Follow your heart, go after your dreams. At least try to do the things people told you you could never do. Be healthy, you only get one body and like a car the longer you own it the more maintenance it requires. Love every little thing about yourself, even the ugly stuff. I've been around myself long enough now to not just accept my flaws, but to actually appreciate them. Lastly, tell people how you feel about them now, don't wait, don't assume they already know. Just say it. Pass on a compliment or two to brighten up someone's day...OK i'm finished being all deep and existential now...back to business as usual!

* Updated: Feeling myself! (figuratively though, not literally...that would be inappropriate)

2010-07-28T14:06:00.002-04:00

So I decided this morning that I'm going to get a new tattoo today. Yeah for some of you that's going to be a bit random, but I've been thinking about it for quite some time now. So, I'm not going to put it off anymore I'm just going to do it. I'll take a pic or something later today so you can all see my new body art.

Its really funny b/c I got my first and only tattoo when I was 18 and haven't really had the desire to get another one since then. Now I'm 28 and all of a sudden I want another one. There is something about this age though that has me wanting to do all sorts of new things. Maybe it's b/c I'm getting closer to 30 and I'm really feeling the whole embracing who I am and loving all my neurosis vibe. I feel more confident now than I ever have before its a great feeling. So here's to being one year closer to 30. This decade was awesome, so I know the next one will be even better...lol!

*Update. Ok here are some pics

So I decided to get a butterfly. I also have a butterfly on my back. I kind of like the idea of transformation and all. Under it I got the letters IMW which are both of the kids initials. I got it on my side so it would be easy to conceal, but it looks kinda sexy in a bikini (I'll post pics of that after I get back from Miami).

So there it is. I kinda still want another one, but just like this time I won't get it until I'm really sure about what I want and where I want it. Hopefully it won't take me another 10 years though...lol

The boy is a pig

2010-07-26T09:05:00.000-04:00

Let me start out by saying I love my son more than anything in this world. I'd give my right arm for him. He makes my life more amazing than anything I could ever imagine...but I really dislike living with him! I swear I always thought it was a sterotype that men were naturally slobs. I figured its b/c when they were growing up no one ever made them clean up after themselves so they just ended up being grown up slobs...now I'm starting to believe that there is a slob gene present in boys from birth and at best you can only try to nurture some of this habit out of them.

My precious child is getting on my last nerve, to start with he never picks up after himself. I'm constantly reminding him to put trash in the trash can, put dirty clothes in the dirty clothes basket, put toys back in the toy box, put the milk back in the refrigerator after your pour a cup. Its like his mind only focuses on the task he's doing at that very moment and once that's done he forgets about it. The boy, though he's only 7 has man funk...I'm dead serious. I've bought him deodorant, but he literally loses it somewhere around his room every week. Every night we have the exact same conversation about why he need to take a bath everyday...as if we've never discussed this before. me: "Boy go upstairs, take a bath and get ready for bed" him: "Aww, but mom, I took a bath yesterday" me: "i know you did honey and you need to take one today too and you will take another one tomorrow and the day after so go ahead and get all your complaining out now". Every morning (literally) when he wakes up he proceeds to go in the bathroom and pee all over the toilet seat and doesn't bother to wipe the seat or flush down what he actually managed to get inside the toilet. So we start every morning with me screaming his name (a la the dad from Alvin and the Chipmunks) telling him to clean up his mess.

I love him, but I really don't like living with him. I pray this is just some dirty little boy phase that he's going through and he grows out of it like ASAP...smh

Color me pissed!

2010-07-25T20:42:00.000-04:00

OK so I will start out by saying that everything I'm going to say in this blog is a complete double standard and you know what...I don't give a damn. So here goes

I went out today with the friend. I had been avoiding him for a while now and ignoring him when he tried to trap me on dates. Its been a good month since I had seen him and he had been asking and making suggestions the whole time. So he mentioned that if I wanted to go to the movies this weekend let him know. Today I had decided I wanted to see Salt. I was perfectly content to see it by myself, but figured I'd ask him if he wanted to go. When asking I figured he would still be at church or something and have to decline, but fortunately for me he was free. We went to see the movie and it was completely seriously amazingly great! After the movie he was hungry so we were going to get some food. We ended up at this spot called Delia's, a Mediterranean Grill and Brick Oven Pizza spot. We both ordered a different type of seafood pasta, drinks, talk...it was an overall nice time. Then the bill came...This heathen looked at the bill and then said "oh damn" and slide it over to me. Now let me insert a bit of background. The last time we went out and he put it all on the line with me he also pulled this move when the bill came and I ended up paying more than a hundred dollars for a dinner I didn't even invite him to come to. So today was like dejavu. I just knew this negro had to be joking so I was like, no it looks about right for what we had. So he's all "you get this one I'll get the next one" to which I kindly replied "that's what you said the last time we went out". So you know I'm pissed right? So a couple of things are running through my mind right now. The first "I know this negro isn't serous. The second is I can't stand it when you see negros eat and drink up a storm, but when the bills comes they start looking around stupid like "how did that happen". Third was, I should just get up like I'm going to the bathroom and walk out. The whole time this negro is staring out of the window like someone stole his damn puppy...So I pull out my card and pay for dinner, about 75 bucks after tax and tip. Color me all the way pissed.

So after this the fool as the nerve to say "you wanna go get some ice cream, my treat"...NO I DON'T WANT NO DAMN ICE CREAM! I want to go home. I was pissed b/c it was the second time he pulled that crap which only confirms for me that I will never ever ever ever ever, ever ever ever (a la Smokie from Friday) go out with him again. Then (this is the part that going to sound really wrong) i spent all this money on this guy and he isn't even giving me any...I mean seriously. I know how guys feel spending all this money on a chick that doesn't put out. It makes you mad. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against paying for dates, but typically when its someone I'm dating or in a full relationship with so its not a big deal. And I guess I'm kind of spoiled b/c even my guy friends always pay for stuff when we go out. But to put up that kind of money for someone that isn't doing any of the 3 Fs is just not right. I think I would have even been less pissed if he had offered to pay for some of it, I probably would have still taken care of the whole thing by myself, but the offer would have made me feel better about it. To blow off the check then stare out of the window into the great blue yonder was just a b!tch move, I'm sorry. I told him I'm never going out with him again, I'm sure he doubts the seriousness of my statement...

The devil is trying to get me...seriously

2010-07-20T08:23:00.000-04:00

OK its only 8am here and already the devil has tried to get me like 2 times. To start I'm in the parking garage waiting for a parking spot (as usual) so in our parking garage there is a bit of a method to our park stalking. when there are no spots we form a line in this one particular area and as spaces become available whoever is next in the line pulls in. That's how its done every morning and it seems to work very well. So I am at my spot in line waiting for someone to leave so I can get into work. A lady comes out so I get ready to move into the spot. As the person is starting to come out this lady comes around the corner trying to move into the space real quick as she's moving out. So I just pulled in really quick. So this burnt hot dog rolls her window down and says "um I was about to park there". Now in my mind I'm thinking I could be polite and explain to her how things work in this parking garage or I could be like B I'm taking this spot deal with it (this is kind of what I wanted to do)...But I did neither of those, I went with option 3, I slowly turned toward her, looked her dead in the eye and said "I'm sorry what?" She quickly said never mind and got in the line herself to wait for a spot (which lets me know that the heifer knew she was wrong to begin with...hmpf) so I didn't have to start my morning by losing my religion in the parking garage. Isnt' it wild how territorial you get over a parking spot though? Its like you haven't eaten in a week and the spot is like a piece of fried chicken or something...lol. You'll cut somebody for taking your chicken...i mean your parking spot.

Then as I'm walking into the building I see this lady that delivers the mail. The lady is really nice but she's...challenged, retarded, touched...whatever the politically correct term for her is. You know people make fun of retarded/touched people they skew their hands and face all funny...well that's how she actually looks (just to help you get the mental picture) so we're making polite conversation as we get on the elevator. She ends up getting off before I do and when the doors open she just all of a sudden starts running...but you know how people usually make fun of retarded/touched people running...that's what she looked like. I guess she was trying to catch up with someone b/c she called out their name as she was running...and you know how people usually make fun of retarded/touched people yelling...that's exactly what she sounded like. It took everything in my not to laugh at what was going on. Not necessarily laughing at her, but laughing at how spot on some folks are when they make fun of touched people. It was actually quite hilarious, but I think its a sin to laugh at retarded people. Isn't that in the bible somewhere.

SN: what is the politically correct term for folks like that, I'm pretty sure retarded is wrong, but touched makes it sound like they are possessed or something

Negrodamus again

2010-07-19T15:25:00.000-04:00

So it seems like the horribly bad date and the subsequent no further correspondence would have been enough to indicate to Negrodamus that I was not interested in dating him...but apparently not. One day last week I woke up to see that he had sent me a text at 2am asking if I was awake...clearly I wasn't so I never responded. So Saturday night he sends me a text saying:
Negro: so do you like this cat and mouse chase
me: idk what you mean
Negro: i mean me being the cat and you the mouse
Me: idk i was the rodent in this game, but I'm not trying to be
Negro: well what DO you want to me
Me: nothing, just me
Negro: and that you are, that's why I like you

So lets be clear, I went out for drinks the first time I met Negrodamus and he told me he had a girlfriend, we didn't speak after that. He finally catches up with me on text maybe a month or so later and we go to a movie where he admonishes me for not fawning over him and tries to force public displays of affection upon me which I completely reject. And again do not contact him or respond to his attempts at contact. And he thinks I'm just playing a game...lol. This only proves how ridiculously ridiculous men are b/c the firefighter guy still sends me text every few days asking "what are you up to". After me telling him I think he only wants my hot pocket (which he was not willing to deny was true) and I didn't want to give it to him. He has sent me that exact same message 13 times and I have not responded and I don't answer the phone when he calls...but that doesn't stop him. the dude with the annoying voice still calls too.

Its crazy how every guy that I don't like will not leave me alone, but the second I find a guy that I'm interested in, they will be so very unavailable...smh, story of my life

Earthquakes are not cool

2010-07-16T09:15:00.000-04:00

I was laying in bed with baby girl and I felt the house rumble and the ceiling fan in my room started shaking. So I was all "what the hell". I sat up in bed and didn't hear any airplanes, there are no trains around my house. Then I thought maybe something was going on in my attic. So I just sat for a second and listened out for something, anything, idk...but there was nothing. Went back to sleep and when I finally woke up and turned on the news I see that we did have a freaking 3.6 earthquake. Now that really isn't that serious but this is DC/MD we don't get earthquakes at least not ones that anyone can feel, wtf ya'll this isn't California. Imma need the earth to honor precedents that have been in place for centuries now, don't start getting all brand new in 2010.

I'm being facebook stalked

2010-07-15T12:09:00.001-04:00

OK so the friend that likes me is also on fb with me. He's started stalking me on FB...lol. Whenever I post a status, instead of responding to my status on FB he'll call, inbox, or text me about whatever I just wrote and use it as a way to start a conversation with me. Its kind of annoying b/c sometimes my status will just be whatever is going through my head at the moment. So then to receive a phone call/text saying "what's wrong" or "oh ha ha you're so funny" is super lame. Example: I posted a status "men...lol, gotta love em". he called me "hey sweetie, what happened is everything okay". I was like yeah, men are just funny that's all...Then this morning I posted "*long sigh*" I posted this simply b/c I was tired and starting another long day at work. He inboxed me "hey sunshine, what's wrong ???". Now imagine getting something like that every time you post something on FB...isn't that annoying or am I overreacting? I've reached the point where I just ignore him b/c its really just not that deep, but geez!

WTF...maybe i'm too complicated

2010-07-15T10:58:00.001-04:00

So I saw the guy last night...I'm not even sure where to start...I quit the guy like two weeks ago. Why did I quit him b/c the situation was becoming too complicated. I like him and wanted to get to know him, but he's never around. And trying to find time to see him was just getting to be a hassle. So I quit him. Not b/c he's ugly, not b/c I'm mad, not b/c I'm in love with him and just can't handle him not making time to see me, simply b/c I don't have time for hassle. When it comes to getting to know a person or dating a person it should just happen, it shouldn't be difficult or complicated, there shouldn't be a whole lot of thought to it. You like a person, you want to spend time with them so you just do, easy. When I feel like there's too much *stuff* I usually quit you...no hard feelings. The guy doesn't seem to get that. He thinks my quitting him has a deeper meaning and is far more emotional than it really is and "if we are just friends then why do I keep quitting him". News flash *friends actually talk and hang around each other on somewhat consistent basis* so if I'm not seeing you and I'm not talking to you like that...then what's the big deal?

I can't even go into the conversation we had last night...I'll just say it started with him talking some kind of lameness and ended with me laughing hysterically in his face...literally lmao. If he was actually my friend and knew anything about me we wouldn't even have had a conversation like that. I think he understands me a little better now...or maybe he doesn't...I really don't care b/c he's still quit.

Lame ducks

2010-07-12T11:03:00.000-04:00

OK so again this weekend i was told that I am a little intimidating...I'm so sick of hearing this from guys. I think what it really means is "i'm way too lame for a woman like you". I mean seriously. I know I do a lot of stuff and even if you are slightly intimidated by my credentials at first, don't tell me that. There is nothing sexier than a confident man. If you tell me that all my womanness shakes your confidence a little how is that supposed to make me feel...it makes me feel like you're slightly lame, that's how.

I quit men right now...no homo though, I've just reached my lameness quotient for the month.I think its best I just stop for a while

Thank you for the compliment

2010-07-12T10:40:00.000-04:00

So I got a little irritated this weekend when speaking with the girl's father. He for some reason is under the impression that I am some kind of baller, life is just great for me, and things just always go in my direction. Now this is kind of true, but my issue was the tone in which he gave me this backhanded compliment. As if I can't appreciate the struggle that he is currently going through b/c things are always sunshine and lillipops over here. What he fails to understand or realize is that yes my life is great, but i've worked my arse off to get here. The good things in my life weren't just handed to me. They were earned. I've expereienced every level of broke, sad, frustrated, sick and tired, hurt, angry, and jacked up. I've simply made the decision to be happy and content with wherever I am in life. It was a concious choice and as a result even when things aren't going so well, I can still wear a smile on my face. I don't complain and get mad at the world at my loses or short comings, i simply reassess the situation and keep moving forward. I don't hold pity parties for myself and have a very hard time participating in pity parties for others...especially him. There is nothing beneficial in that. I realize I cant necessarily hold everyone to the same standard I hold myself to b/c everyone is not me, but what I won't do is let anyone use their circumstances as an excuse for underperforming...especially when it comes to things that involve me (i.e. my baby girl).

So I appreciate that fact that I make this whole working single mother thing look easy, that really is a compliment. But don't write it off as a life of passive luck, rather a life of hard earned accomplishments. Take notes and apply to your life as needed.

Update from Friday...smh

2010-07-06T11:56:00.000-04:00

OK so on Friday I ended up going out with this guy that I met about a month or so ago. We had gone out for drinks once, but after that I got really busy and he just wasn't high on my list of priorities. I hadn't spoken to him in a couple weeks when he just texts me out of the blue asking how I was doing. So I decided to let him take me out...mistake. To begin with I believe he had on the exact same outfit he was wearing the last time I went out with him...unless his closet is filled with cargo shorts and bob marley t shirts #imjustsayin. So we met and had some ice cream and started talking. He starts going on about how he can't believe how I played him and how it had been so long since we've gone out. He's not used to women not being interested in him right away. He doesn't even know what made him send me the text message b/c usually if a woman didn't make time for him right away he would just leave her alone. So I was like "well I can go back home if that's how you feel about it". This was not a great way to start the date at all. But then he's like no I didn't mean it like that, i just don't know how to read you, I've never met a woman that I couldn't figure out before. Which just made me wonder what kind of burnt hot dogs he's been going out with in the past...smh. Anyway, we ended up going to see Grown Ups (which is complete awesomeness by the way. Laughed the entire time).

So first I think I should mention that I'm very weird about showing affection. I have to really like you to do things like hold hand and kiss and what not. Those things (#imo) are relatively intimate and I can't do them with any old person...anyway we're watching the movie and he puts his arm around me. I didn't particularly like this b/c am I the only one that finds that whole positioning to be super uncomfortable. I'm all leaned to the side getting a cramp in my back, fidgeting every two minutes to keep my legs from falling asleep. I'm just not a big fan of the arm around me in the movies...so I ended up moving from that. I didn't want to seem standoffish, so I leaned toward him in the seat. This negro moves the little cup holder thing and puts his hands across my legs. Again I feel like he's taking way too many liberties with my body, but I tried to look past it. Then this negro grabs my hand and puts it into his hand...OMG first of all how lame is that? second of all how effing lame is that? third of all if you wanted to hold my hand there are more subtle ways to do it...and forth, total complete freaking lameness! Anyway this made me super uncomfortable b/c I just feel dirty holding someones hand if I really don't like them like that, so I slowly eased my hand out of his over a few scenes in the movie...lol. The movie ends and we walk back to the car. Although I know he probably wanted to go do something else to extend the night, I was sure the date was over by this point. So negrodamus walks me to my car. I'm already apprehensive b/c I know this cocky bastard is going to try and kiss me. I just feel it in my bones and I want no part of it. We get to the car and my plan is to hug him and give him nothing but profile and cheek as I pull away so he can't get to my lips. We get through the hug and I think I'm safe...negrodaumus leans in and just plants one on my lips. I wanted to gag. But instead I just didn't kiss back. He quickly realized the kiss wasn't happening so he pulled back and I got in my car and wiped my mouth off and went home.

He sent me a text a few minutes later telling me he had a great time and asking if I was in for the rest of the night...my response "thanks...yeah". I swear I should have my own dating show...lol

Dating Dilemma

2010-07-02T13:48:00.000-04:00

So as the weekend begins I am so going to be free from children. Which is cool b/c I have a pretty full calender for every night except tonight. I have 3 people that have asked /expressed interest in doing something with me, but I really don't want to see any of them. There are two people I actually wouldn't mind seeing tonight, but one is leaving to go out of town and the other is surely going to try and get my hot pocket...and I'm not ready to give it to him yet...I'm also not sure if I'll be able to resist giving it to him if put in that situation...lol. When did life get to be so hard? Maybe I'll just go out by myself

Camping

2010-07-01T11:49:00.000-04:00

I forgot to actually update y'all on my camping trip with the kids. It was completely awesome! It helped that I was pretty well prepared. Got down there around 1 and put our "hotel Washington". The tent was super easy to put up and it was huge. After putting all our stuff in one room and blowing up the queen air mattress on the other side, there was still plenty of space for baby girl to crawl around and play. Super nice. The first day we went swimming. It was baby girl's first time in the pool and she loved it. Got in and started splashing and laughing up a storm. It was adorable. The boy had and awesome time too, doing cannonballs and seeing how long he could hold his breath under water. After that we went back to the campsite, washed up and had a big dinner. There was so much food and it was all delicious. The night ended with a hay ride, camp fire, and roasting marshmallows. Baby girl stayed up for all this and the boy loved every minute. Saturday we had breakfast then the scouts started their required Wolf activities! They are learning about tools and how to use them. My baby got to use a hammer without getting in trouble...lol. We went swimming again, then lunch, then more swimming. Then more campfires, marshmallows, and boys running around in the open air like they were crazy. It was a really nice time. Not too hot, fresh air, and great QT with my lovies. I would love to go again in the fall before it gets too cold, but when the leave on the trees are starting to change. That would be cool....Good Times

Hotel Washington

Text messages...the gift and the curse

2010-06-30T10:31:00.002-04:00

OK so I love text messages as much as the next person. But I think folks have gotten out of hand. Text messages should not replace actual conversation...especially in situations where you are trying to get to know or potentially date a person. Or at least not when you're trying to date/get to know me. Here is the problem... text messages can only be 160 characters. If you've read my blog regularly you know there isn't much I can put into only 160 characters. So what happens is I get a message from some dude saying "hey how was your day". What I want to say is "it was pretty good, except for this morning when this non driving little heifer tried to steal my parking spot in the garage this morning and I had to get a little hood with her" See that right there is 177 characters. So then I would have to go back in the text message and figure out what words to delete or shorten so it could fit into the text message. And even still that's not all I wanted to say. There is also the funny video that I watched that made me laugh so hard I almost choked on my water and speaking of that video I should send it to you so you could watch it too.... 176 characters. Now had we been on the phone I could tell you all these things and we could have a real conversation where you actually find out things about me (like what makes me laugh until I choke, and how I dislike heifers that try to steal parking spaces). That my friends is how you get to know a person. Not that I'm against text messages. They are quite useful for nice short messages throughout the day like "hey i was just thinking about you" or "hey, wanna get together for lunch". I'm totally ok with that stuff. But if you text me and ask me about my day or any other topic that is so not 160 character appropriate don't be surprised at or think I'm being short when you get "I'm good", "cool beans", or "k" as a response...next time pick up the darn phone and all me... #imjustsayin

The firefighter

2010-06-30T10:16:00.002-04:00

So last week my friend had her baby. I had to go up to the hosp that night to bring her hospital bag. When leaving, there were a group of firefighters there that had just dropped someone off. A few of the firefighters were cute so I gave the standard look and smile as I pranced back to my car...lol...One of the guys stops me, says hello and tells me he'd like to "converse" with me sometime. Now this guy was cute, but I was mostly impressed that he used the correct form of word b/c had he said conversate he would have got shut down quickly...Anyway me and firefighter exchange numbers and go on our way. The next day at around 10:30 he sends me a text asking how I am and i responded "I'm good" (I'll write more about how I feel about text message conversations later). Anyway we go on with pleasantries for a little bit. No fact finding questions or anything, just "hey how was your day". I had mentioned something about how hot it was outside. So he says "oh so you must have your shorts on today trying to stay cool". Now I did happen to have on shorts to I replied "yeah". Then the negro says "oh yeah, you gonna have to send me that pic". Strike 1...I don't know you, we've never even had a conversation so why am I going to be sending you pics like that. But I didn't want to be petty so I just changed the subject.

The next day, another text while I'm packing up for the camping trip. Still no actual phone call. Starts off the same way with polite chatter about the day. Then he asks when we can see each other. So I tell him I'm going to be camping this weekend so maybe after that. To which he replied "well why not now". Strike 2...first of all it was 11pm, on a Thursday, where are we going to go? What are we going to do? I know you don't think you're coming over here...he still knows nothing about me but my name...and only my first name at that. So in my mind I'm thinking he just wants my hot pocket...maybe b/c he's a firefighter women just throw their hot pockets at him and that's what he's used to. But I'm sorry my hot pocket is exclusive and much more information is needed before i can even consider you for access to it... #imjustsayin

I haven't spoken to him since. He's sent text messages, he even actually called me last night, but I'm kinda over it now. I don't want to stick around for strike 3. I mean I love a man in uniform and he was cute, but I don't have time for "that guy" especially when me and my hot pocket are chilling right now...lol. Its not worth the headache I'm thinking...I'm not being to harsh am I? I don't think I am, I think he's a man whore trying to add me to his list. But I could be wrong...I'm not wrong am I?

I quit him...

2010-06-29T18:07:00.000-04:00

I think I quit the guy. I feel like he's all talk and nothing more. I like him, but i'm getting bored with the game. On to the next...

Rambling about camping...

2010-06-24T10:57:00.000-04:00

So...this weekend I'm going camping with the kids. Ever since I've become a cub scout mom I've been doing all kinds of crazy shenanigans all in the sake of earning the boy some kind of badge so he can be awesome. I've known since the beginning of the year that there was going to be a summer camping trip and I've been hyping myself up about it for a while now. But now its finally here...we leave tomorrow! Don't get me wrong I'm prepared, I've got the tent, air mattresses, fans, cooler, flashlights and a lantern, you would think I've got the whole thing down backed right? But OMG I'm so not ready to be outside for a whole weekend. And of course this weekend its going to be hotter than Satan's balls outside, so how's that for fun!

Then there is the issues of the clothes. The cub scout thing is through my church, which is fine b/c I'm relatively christianlike most of the time (although I was such a sinner about an hour or so ago...but that's another blog). Anyway the problem is I, especially in weather like this, wear very little clothing. All my shorts stop at the very edge of my behind, all my shirts are tight...actually as I write this I feel a bit like a skank but that's so not the case. I dress tastefully, I just prefer clothing that fits well, especially in the summer. But going on a trip with church folk, I'm already the harlot with two bastard children, do I really want to be the sexy dressing harlot with two bastard children? Not to mention we are supposed to go swimming and I don't even own a one piece bathing suit, all I have are bikinis...smh. OMG the more I write this blog the more I sound like a total skank, if this is your first time reading this blog I promise you I'm totally not a skank, I'm actually a really nice person, but that probably sounds like something a skank would say too...oh dear I'm not sure where to go from here...

Oh yeah camping, basically I'm just going to suck it up and make the best of it. I'll probably go buy another fan, and some longer shorts, and a one piece bathing suit...but other than that I'm ready to go ;o) I better get my "mother of the year" award b/c I've been putting in some work with the kids.

oh and in regards to the whole skank thing, here is a picture of me and my crew proving that I'm totally not a skank b/c a skank couldn't produce two amazingly adorable kids like this...or maybe a skank could, but I don't know b/c I'm totally not one...thank you for listening

Should the guy read the blog?

2010-06-24T10:26:00.000-04:00

So the guy wants to read the blog...its my own fault b/c I like to blog and I talk about blogging often so he naturally wants to know what I'm blogging about. I used to make both my blogs readily available to anyone that wanted to look at them (in terms of my personal friends), but as of late I moreso publicize the YBR blog amongst my friends and refer to this one, but don't hype it up too much. The reason is b/c I will more than likely talk about one of said friends at some point in the blog...lol. But those that love me don't mind b/c they know I love them too. The guy is a bit different, he likes me and the past few blogs have been about other guys I'm dating...granted I'm dating other guys kind of so I can distract myself from liking him so much (I know its ridiculous, don't judge me) but do I really want him to see that? However, I also don't want him to think I'm hiding anything from him b/c I'm really not. Even with the other guys I'm dating, I'm not really that amused with any of them. He's the only one that actually makes me feel something. I haven't figured out what that something is yet, I just know I like how I feel when I see and talk to him.

Anyway the last few times we talked I've been all "go ahead and read it, i don't care" but I do this knowing that 1) he's probably not going to read it and 2) he doesn't have the link to it anyway...lol. but he made a comment this morning about being curious that makes me think he really does want to see what I'm telling the world (or rather the tiny portion of the world that actually reads about my shenanigans) about my life...lol. and as I've mentioned before I can't game him to save my life. I have this pesky, frustrating desire to be an open book and just let him know all of me...good and bad...this is some bullshite b/c the thought of being that open to anyone scares the hell out of me. Ok the more I type the more I realize that I'm still a neurotic mess and this is even more reason for me to keep him away from this blog and all the craziness that I actually put into words for other people to see.

I feel you judging so stop it! I need prayer...not judgment...so don't judge me! Seriously!

The guy...

2010-06-22T22:29:00.000-04:00

So I still like the guy. We talked today and he told me that he really likes me, but he feels like I've been distant...and the truth is I totally have. I told him I felt the same way about him. And we actually feel the same way for the same reasons. I don't think either one of us really want to put ourselves out there, so we are waiting for each other to really do something in terms of taking initiative. But he did reassure me of how he feels about me which was somewhat comforting. So I guess I could try to be slightly less guarded and allow myself to show him that I feel the same way about him...smh. I will reiterate the suckiness of this whole dating game...bah humbug

Its not you, its me...really!

2010-06-21T13:38:00.000-04:00

So I'll admit, I'm not good at this dating thing. I don't really know what I'm doing and I don't know that I want to figure it out. I like the initial part of dating when you meet someone and they like you so they call and send you sweet little text messages and tell you how much they can't wait to see you. The only problem is that phase is so short lived. So with some guys I've been avoiding actually dating and just keeping things going on the phone/text message front...don't judge me!

So I've been text dating this guy for a couple months now...lol. Yeah I know you've never heard of text dating right. Well allow me to explain. I met this guy maybe two months ago, I thought he was cute, but we didn't get much time to talk. So after our first meeting he friended me on fb. From there we started e mailing and such and it was really cool. We eventually exchanged numbers and BBM pins and all was good. I swear I probably talk to him more than any of the other guys I'm actually dating, but its all done via some kind of technology. We've never been on a date or anything. He invited me out before, but I was busy on mommy duty each time. Now I'm fine with this situation as it is, I think its great, no pressure, no commitment, just good friendly conversation. However, he now wants me to "make time" for him. I feel like as soon as I do, I'm going to find some stupid reason to quit him and its going to suck b/c I like talking to him. Or we're going to start dating and I'm going to find out he really isn't all that great and I'm going to quit him. All scenarios in my mind end with him getting quit...

I know what your thinking, it may not happen that way, he might be great and I'll like him and everything will be lollipops and cotton candy. I knew that's what you would say. That is why I'm going to let him take me out. I know I have to actually give him some face time soon. I'm actually surprised he's hung in there this long without losing interest...but it may be b/c he sees me as a challenge now. You know how men and challenges are. We'll see how far he gets...and for the record, dating SUCKS!

Thank you for listening ;o)

My life is awesome

2010-06-21T13:09:00.000-04:00

I closed out the weekend with family. Yesterday, Father's day, I cooked a nice big breakfast for my dad. Bro and sis came over and we all just hung out with each other. Baby girl laughed and smiled at everyone and tried to eat everything. Little sis tried to get us all to play video games with her b/c that is all she ever ever ever wants to do...seriously. And my big little bro helped me out in the kitchen and we talked about how much we missed the "pre-divorce" family get togethers, but even without mom there it was great to spend time with them.

The girl's dad came and picked her up for a bit so I got to take a nice long nap! Good times! The boy's father is still MIA...smh

Last night after we said good bye to the beetle, me and the kids sat in bed and I read them a story. I tucked the boy in and he went off to sleep with a smile on his face. Then I held baby girl as she also went to sleep smiling. At that moment I again realized just how awesome they have made my life. Its amazing how children can put everything in such perfect perspective. As long as I have my babies all is good with the world!

The wedding

2010-06-21T09:30:00.001-04:00

So on Saturday I went to a wedding with the friend...no nothing has changed b/t us, I had agreed to the wedding before he posed the relationship question. Anyway, the interesting thing about going to a wedding is it puts everyone in "couple" mode, were everything is all love and marriage, and lollipops, and cotton candy. Everyone, that is, except for me. I was just a date to the wedding...or so I thought. It started when we took the first picture together and he grabbed me and held me all close...slightly uncomfortable. Then we started talking about weddings and I of course already know what my wedding will look like. I'm getting married in St. Lucia, I've picked the colors, the style of dress, all that good stuff. I just need to find and insert a husband into this vision of mine...lol. Well he kindly inserted himself and for the rest of the day began saying things like "if you and I were to get married". He clearly still hasn't given up on me with this whole thing.

Anyway other than that the wedding was fun, the bride looked gorgeous, food was nice, ceremony lovely. It was all quite wonderful and i felt like I looked really cute. The funniest part of the day was when it was time for the bride to throw the bouquet and no one wanted to catch it. It hit the floor and we all just looked around at each other...lol. Oh yeah and the whole thing went on a lot longer than I expected so my boobs were like a triple F by the time I left...the friend took this one picture of me and it looked like I was concealing two melons in my dress...no lie. I won't post the pic b/c its just too much.

The boy and the bug

2010-06-21T08:54:00.000-04:00

So one of the joys of having a child is they start school and meet wonderfully enthusiastic science teachers that help them love and embrace nature. Last year it was plants, which I as cool with. This year it was bugs, which I was less cool with. I'm fine with him learning about them, i was cool with the caterpillar thing at school (a little cage where they kept them until they all went into their cocoons, then the class set the butterflies free...sounds super cute right...esp b/c this wasn't happening inside my house). Well at the end of this year, i guess as some kind of strange good bye gift, all the kids got to take home their baby horned nose beetles. They were keeping the beetles until they grew their wings and were able to fly, at which point the kids were supposed to set it free. When the boy brought this insect home I knew it was going to be trouble. So I did want any responsible parent would do...i warned him that if that beetle got out and I saw it I was going to kill it immediately, so he better take care of the thing.

Clearly my warning did not work b/c in like 2 days he comes to me telling me the beetle got out of his little jar...b/c the boy decided to put the jar in the bed and sleep with it (like it was an effing teddy bear or something). And since the boy sleeps like he's a samurai ninja in battle its not hard to see how the thing got loose. Again me being the loving kind mother I am told him no he couldn't sleep in my room while his horny beetle ran loose in his room and again if i saw the thing I would kill it on the spot. After about a week he finally found the thing last night and put it back in the jar. Then he came to me and said "so mommy I'm thinking its time for me to let my beetle go outside so he can learn to fly". I happily agreed with this amazingly grown up decision from my baby. But before we let him go he felt we should all say a few words. So he held the jar up and told horny beetle how much he loved him and how he hopes he gets to fly all over the world and make lots of friends. Then he made me say something so I told horny beetle "thanks for making the boy so happy and for staying in his room and not roaming around my lovely home, spread your wings young grasshopper...i mean horny beetle". Then he pointed the jar to baby girl, but she just tried to grab it so she could put in her mouth...After this loving moment we all walked out to the porch, the boy opened the jar, and we watched little horny beetle journey out into the wild.

Moral of the story, bugs don't belong in the house and the boy is pretty awesome (i wonder where he gets that from!)

the club is a bad idea

2010-06-17T11:10:00.000-04:00

The problem with meeting a person at a club is you really don't know what your getting into. Prime example, out on Saturday with my girl. We stop in this lounge for a few to dance. While there this semi cute high yellow dude asks me to dance. He wasn't bad looking so we danced. He eventually asked me for my number, which was cool b/c he seemed decent. So the next day he sends me a text and we go back and forth with that for a few. He ends up asking me out sometime. I said sure and told him to call me later. When we finally talk I find that he has the most annoying voice ever. Kind of a nasally, nerdy, not sexy thing and he doesn't really speak clearly. So now I don't want to go on a date with him. I don't know if I can talk to him all night. Or maybe his voice will be less annoying in person? Is it being too picky to dismiss a guy due to the sound of his voice? I mean he was much better via text message...but i don't think you can date someone via text message. Although I do have one really healthy BBM relationship going on right now...Technology, the gift and the curse! The Club, more of a fun curse than a gift (probably due to all the dark lighting and liquor).

Feeling good...feeling great

2010-06-15T10:54:00.001-04:00

OK so yesterday after writing all that about the friend I felt really good. Good like I was sure that not dating him seriously was the right choice. He is great, but he is "the one" for some other girl, not me. I am actually really enjoying meeting people right now. Each new person brings something fun and exciting (usually) into the equation. I get to be bothered when I want to be bothered and be alone when I want to be alone. Most importantly I have options and that's always a good thing. I've realized that I'm a bit terrified of the idea of being in a serious relationship at the moment. But I'm totally ok with casually dating right now. It provides the perfect balance of companionship and lack of commitment. When I get bored or realize that I really don't like them as much as I thought I can quit them and keep it moving. Awesomeness!

I've also realized that sometimes less is more when it comes to talking about the guys I'm seeing. The more I talk about one particular person the more real they become and then the questions flood in. I don't want all that right now. I just want to live in the moment for a while, not thinking about where its going, what kind of future we might have, or anything. So right now I'm happy where I am and with how things are...I'm actually really happy! I think i've reached a phase where I just don't care. I'm really happy being selfish with my time, emotions, and lovin. Right now its all about me and what I want...

2010-06-14T10:23:00.000-04:00

So yesterday the friend put it all out in the open. I knew he liked me and I knew he was toying with the idea of us dating. My hope was that we could hang out a bit more so i could see if I could be sexy friends with him, but he had a different idea. So this past weekend I had planned on taking some "me" time and going to my fav restaurant...alone. I was telling the friend about this and he kinda invited himself along. So instead of "me" time it was kinda another date. He comes by after church on Sunday and changes so we can go eat. He brings me flowers and a card telling me how awesome I am "just because". At the restaurant he lays it out, tells me he's been thinking about and analyzing the prospects of a relationship with me and based on his thoughts he thinks its could work. He also told me he never imagined that he would be 40 and not be married yet, he wants to get married, have kids, the whole nine and he thinks we should give it a try. This is the conversation I've been dreading.

Now I've been pondering this too. The friend is safe, I know he's be a good guy, he's treat me well, he'd take care of me. The problem is I'm just not attracted to him in any way. There is nothing about him that does anything for me. He really is like my geeky older brother. I enjoy hanging out with him, he's silly. But I actually don't like hanging around him too long b/c he starts to get on my nerves. And he's kinda gone from 0 to 70 overnight with our relationship and I totally just wanted to chill and take things slow. But its too late for that he's put it all out there, so I can no longer play dumb about his feelings for me.

Part of me feels like maybe I should just go for it. I mean the guys I have been attracted to really haven't turned out to be that great, something different might not hurt... but isn't that kinda like settling? And then I am very odd in that I have a problem being affectionate with people that I'm not romantically interested in. Meaning I don't like to hold hands with, be all up in personal space, and especially kiss someone that I'm not feeling. Its uncomfortable and nasty for me. So if I do start dating him or even continue to hang out with him I feel like he's going to try to do one of those things and its going to make me gag. He kissed me on the cheek a couple weeks ago and it just made me feel dirty. I wiped it off when I got in the car. I know that sounds super mean and its not because he's creepy or nasty, its just how I am.

Another part of me thinks I'm just determined to pick the wrong guy... Like I'm allergic to a good man regardless of how bad I want one. But on the other hand I've been praying about "the one" for me. They say you are supposed to have your list of qualities that you want and be specific in your prayer about what you want. Well I've done this so maybe i just need to keep being patient until I find someone that is really right for me. I don't want to settle for anything less than what I deserve ever again...

My baby is awesome

2010-06-08T15:07:00.000-04:00

I just thought I would share that baby girl is like the awesomest baby ever. I know I'm probably highly biased in this statement, but its so true. She just started crawling like 2 weeks ago, but she's already trying to stand and walk. I'm sure she will get it down soon. She now says ma-ma...and she says it repeatedly when she actually wants/needs me to do something which is just the BEST! She now gives kisses and claps her hands. I am so in love with this little girl I can't even put it into words!

I'm a neurotic mess...smh

2010-06-07T10:59:00.000-04:00

So I've started dating again and I must say I'm kinda jacked up. At the moment there are a few people that have managed to get my attention on some level. One is a friend that's been in the picture for years, but for some reason is giving me the sexy eye now, the other is a questionable fellow that i believe wants me to be "Ms. Right Here Right Now", and finally there is "the guy" that I actually like.

So here is the break down. I'm not really sure how I feel about the friend and his new found sexy eyes for me. I've known him for almost a decade now and he's been the annoying older brother type. Its hard to shift gears from regular friends to sexy friends. Although on paper this friend has all the necessary qualities for healthy partnership if I did want to go that route. I'm just not sure, it seems strange. Kinda like how it was on Girlfriends when Joan and William tried to date after being friends for so long, but every time they tried to get some lovin in she couldn't stop laughing. I feel like that would be me...humpf

So then there is Mr. Questionable. He has an "on again off again" thing with some chick in NC, but he doesn't like long distance relationships. So then he meets me, a PYT that is also local *score*. The only problem is, I really don't want to be with someone that is in a questionable something, with someone else. He gets a small number of points for being up front with me about the situation, but in the same vein he pretty much shot himself in the foot. He has worked so far to prove his interest in me a number of ways and we do have a lot in common. But he is the cocky type that will try to push up on me and I'm really not for all that. I'd let him take me out though...I'd just have to end things eventually b/c he would expect way more then I'm willing to give to him. I don't even want him to try and kiss me...blah

Then there is the guy...I am so in like with the guy, but it completely freaks me out. I find myself all stupid and at a loss for words when we're together. All I want to do is kiss him. He's beautiful to look at and he constantly makes me laugh. I smile when I think about him...in fact I'm kinda cheesing right now as I write this. The only problem is after all my previous shenanigan filled couplings I am a jacked up mess! I'm so terrified of how much I like him. I'm scared that he's going to see how much of a neurotic mess I am and lose interest in me or just find someone less complicated...I've never found myself in this situation before. I can usually turn on the sexy confident demeanor when talking to any guy. But with this guy I'm rendered helpless, I can't fake, I can't run game, all I can do is like him. And it makes me terribly uncomfortable, I've never had this problem before :o(

Blah...

2010-05-24T15:09:00.000-04:00

The interesting thing about relationships is that you often don't realize how much they've changed you until they are over. Its when you start to go back to "normal" life that you realize how jacked up a situation has gotten you. How much things that used to come so easily for you now can create anxiety or fear. Emotions are wild and unpredictable things and i'm trying to control mine...if that's even possible.

P90X updated pictures...Finally

2010-05-21T09:34:00.002-04:00

OK so its been a long while since my last P90X post. I didn't stop doing it, i just haven't blogged much about it recently. I was on hiatus for about 2 weeks and when I started back I did modify the plan a bit. I will admit that this whole thing was much harder than I expected. Not really because of the intensity of the workouts, I actually really like that. Its more of the time commitment. As a single mom of two I sincerely don't have an hour to 1.5 hours everyday to workout. So instead of giving up, I just made the plan work for me. I do the actual DVDs 3 to 4 days out of each week. The days I don't do a DVD I run on the elliptical for 20 to 40 minutes just so I get some kind of physical activity. Or I'll do an activity with the kids that allows me to get my heart rate up for a while. So far its been working. So here are the before pics and now here are some updated pics...I'm still not done, but I'm making progress

I started out at 138.2 and now I'm 129.2 (wth is up with the .2)

here is the full frontal situation...lol. Not as much flab before, but not quite a 6 pack yet. Still working

And now the side view

So in terms of my weight goal I've met that. I wanted to be around 130, can't lose too much weight or I'll head into crackhead skinny territory #notagoodlook. My sexy belly is coming along. I'm going to keep up the work outs and the eating properly. But I think I'm well on my way to having of plenty of sexy for this summer.

Oh yeah and now I can do a pull up (with the help of a chair) and I have been increasing my reps for all of the exercises. I'm all in for the Plyometrics and have even tried some of the advanced moves. Dive Bomber, military, and prison cell push ups are still the devil. But I love the workouts and I'm going to keep at it.

You know...

2010-05-18T12:07:00.001-04:00

You know that feeling you get when you meet someone you really like. That phase where you always want to see them or talk to them. You think about them and smile. You want to know more about them. The phase where they are good, fun, and intriguing. That's a really nice place isn't it?... Yeah its a really nice place!

My Life as a Grown Up

Taking Christmas Sucks!!!

The boy is a heathen

Work..

I forgot to tell you about Thanksgiving

Hey hey Heeeeyyyy

My Baby is 2!

Thoughts on turning 30

I know i'm losing my mind

My babies!

I'm scared

Thoughts on Praying...

I'm just not that girl anymore

What about the other chick

The Mista

The one that got away

Thoughts on being horny

Girlfriends can jack your relationship up...

Thoughts on death...

My big strange dysfunctional family...or an even better title: This is why i'm so crazy

Dating has evolved...but it seems I have not

Thoughts on the boy's father

Everyone wants to have sex with me *ugh*

Mother's Day...and all other holidays

Enter stage left!

Puddles on my floor

IDK

Feeling Fat

Young Boyz

"Black girls are easy....Word?" or "I'm putting my foot down Dagnabbit"

So...RHOA reunion

She looks great!

How Rude!...aka Adventures in the circle

My two Valentines

Blah to dating

...cont

...

Crazy Convo aka She got kids

The Mista

Child Support Court aka the Bullshallots

Like a rockstar!!!

Breaking my own rules...smh

My neurosis

Blah

Happy New Year!

Relationship...I think i'll pass

My Hair

I know its been too long...i'm lame

Catching up

I don't even know what to title this blog...more random shite that only happens to me

So...

My week part 3: Everything else...

My week part 2: *Confused face :o?*

My week part 1: The good side of the party!

OMG I'm getting old

Really? *blank stare* Really?

My Prayer for My Kids

WTF Ya'll?

Baby Girl

My Life

Disclaimer for first time readers

You're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you

That Bullshite Part 2

That Bullshite Part 1

Miami: Part 2- The Food!

Miami: Part 1

Catching up

One of those moments

Jesus Feet and his shenanigans

Grown ups for real

* Updated: Feeling myself! (figuratively though, not literally...that would be inappropriate)

The boy is a pig

Color me pissed!

The devil is trying to get me...seriously

Negrodamus again

Earthquakes are not cool

I'm being facebook stalked

WTF...maybe i'm too complicated

Lame ducks

Thank you for the compliment

Everyone wants to have sex with me ugh

My week part 2: Confused face :o?

Really? blank stare Really?